Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The introvert

I've been trying to figure out why I've pulled in during the last few years. My version of introversion may look like no big deal to others: I still go out, have friends, hobbies, chat on the phone and over email. To me, though, I know the difference. I seek social interaction a lot less frequently and am less disappointed when plans are canceled. More than anything, I prize my time to myself.

Well, let's see: What's changed?

Four and a half years ago, I got into a serious relationship. That relationship turned into a live-in situation, which then turned into an engagement, which then became a marriage. I work every day at the damn thing, with great results, but a whole hell of a lot of effort.

It's easy to say I don't have a lot of effort left over for others, but that's not quite it. It's more that I've achieved that level of comfort that one achieves in an intimate relationship -- we can spend the majority of an entire meal tucked into our food, barely observing the social niceties you might with a friend or acquaintance. I can say whatever the hell I want to him. When he pisses me off, he knows it, stat.

That level of comfort makes me aware of the formalities -- necessary and not-so-much -- that we observe with others. I'm about as direct and opinionated as they get, but even I find myself frustrated with the notion that no, I can't tell you you're a douchebag, no matter how much I might want to.

So is that it? If I could be more honest with people, would I be more social? Or is it something more?

I think it's something more.

My standards, always high, are far more stringent. There are things I seek in people and if I don't see those qualities, forget it. And I'm a lot stricter now than I have been in the past.

I also have to ask myself if this is a bad thing -- this introversion. And my first answer is no, because I think part of it is a phase. However, I know there are other parts that are hurting me. It's those to which I need to give my attention.


Happy Chandler said...

As long as I'm in your picture, I'm happy!

Allison Landa said...

Honey, you were always there. It just took 28 years to figure it out!