Sunday, September 26, 2010

Today's writing

I am one angry bitch.

You wouldn’t believe what sets me off. Sunflowers. Organic eggs. Puppies. Puppies! Who gets angry at the idea of puppies? Me, that’s who. The anger is cutting and cold, cleansing. It asks no questions. It leaves no room for equivocation.

I don’t just like being angry. I love it.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

I don't love them yet

We've had Jack and Maizie for two weeks now. They're sweet and they're trouble, and it's taking me time to bond with them. I didn't expect much different. Fact is, I like dogs far better than I like puppies. Dogs are focused on you. Puppies are focused on ... anything but.

When I'm out with them people often say: "I bet they're so much fun." They can be, but that's a small part of it. Fact is, they're work. And Adam and I feel more like parents than ever before.

Do I regret getting them? I do think it was too soon after Oliver. That said, in six months I believe I will feel different. I don't want to just get through this time with them, though. I want to enjoy it or at least appreciate it as best I can. I know when they're 12 or 13, we'll look back and wish we could see them romping through the grass just once more.

Trust me. I know.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

From my Kol Nidre prayerbook

Ask not what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive. Then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. - Howard Thurman

Forgiveness is the courage to let go. one does not pardon another. One lets go of oneself, thus allowing pain received and sustained, hurt, inflicted and imposed, to settle, and the true Self to rise. - Talmud, Ta'anit

A ship in a harbor is safe -- but that is not what ships are for. - John A. Shedd

Who by fire and who by water?
Who by the sword and who by beast?
Who by hunger and who by thirst?
Who by earthquake and who by plague?
- Unetaneh Tokef, Proclaim the Power of this Day

It may not be an easy task to confront our feelings and actions, still more daunting to name them, perhaps most difficult to speak them. Now we will speak of and chant them together.

Let us be bold enough to see, humble enough to feel, and daring enough to turn.

- Ashamnu, Alphabet of Wrongdoing

Moses doesn't come to the burning bush by purposefully looking for a revelatory experience. He comes to the Mystery by stepping back from his personal quest and tending consciously to his sheep. - Gershon Winkler

The very least thing you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. - Barbara Kingsolver

Friday, September 17, 2010

My week in bullet points

- The dogs are insane.
- The dogs are cute.
- The dogs are insanely cute.
- I miss my cat. He deserves more than a bullet point. Or three lines. Oliver was the best soul ever and I'm still grieving. It may get better, but it will never go away.
- L'Shanah Tovah.
- I'm going to Phoenix next week. It's only going to be 103 degrees. Oh my.
- I'm thinking of the song "Sunrise, Sunset." Appropriate.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Tonight's dinner

It's this: Curried Chickpeas and Black Beans.

Adam and I cook well together. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don't. Often we laugh. It's a good appetizer.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Why do I do this?

There is a euthanasia video on YouTube: a gray-and-white tabby cat put to sleep. I've watched it several times, never to completion, but long enough. Sometimes the pain is so strong that I can only close my eyes.

They put a catheter in his leg. The first shot made him lie very still. The next stopped his heart. I don't know why I keep going over these details. I don't know why I don't want to stop.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

No words

No words for how it feels to pick up your tabby cat's ashes, to ride home in the car with him so silently. This link says it all.