we walk, abundance goes before us.” – Dispenza
was one of the first things I saw when I opened the Traveler book on this, my
last full day at Playa. I actually feel my throat closing and a few tears
welling up – and that’s something for me, really. My predecessors mentioned so
many things that turned out to be true – Lefty, the spiders in the sink, the
sunrise, oh the sunrise – and I’m touched, so touched and so grateful. I am
such a cynic and yet I recognize this as the heartfelt gift it is. If it weren’t
23 degrees out, I would go out to see the sunrise. Hell, I may do it anyway.
TAKE THE LESSONS THE WORLD GIVES TO US: THIS IS THE WORK OF OUR LIVES.
the cat is here, talking up a storm. It’s so
nice to have animal company. I asked her: “How am I supposed to get work done
with all this cuteness around?” It’s pretty awesome.
October 16, 2013
a walk along the playa this AM. Lots of bones and animal dung amongst the
grasses. Last night I had some whiskey with Kristin, David and Jamie. I really
like everyone here – those folks as well as Diane, Beth, Rachel, Lisa, Barb and
Kathy. Everyone who works here is great. I feel so grateful as I near the end
of my stay. Two weeks have gone fast, but so rich. I definitely have grown as a
person for being here.
isolation is interesting – and that’s not a euphemism. Others say
they can’t get enough, but personally, I need the presence of other if not connection with them. I’m
pretty city like that..
you leave on a trip, the last act you perform on the way out of the house –
both in a literal and figurative sense – is closing the door.” – Dispenza
for right now, when I’m starting to wrap things up. I may pack a little today –
and obviously tomorrow. It shouldn’t be that hard. I also need to clean.
Beatles, Michael Franti, Kool and the Gang, Amos Lee, Tori Amos … and so much
are the best here! I wake up so happy – unlike normal, when I so often awake
with anxiety and dread.
October 13, 2013
couple days. Crying like I haven’t cried in months. Nightmares with soundtracks, for God’s sake. Fucking
Evanescence, “My Immortal”. I dreamt Adam was leaving me. Saying the word divorce in my dream was like someone
shooting me in the gut. That line there’s
just so much that time cannot erase … it kills me. The nightmares followed
me up here. Those frigging bastards.
IN LARGE LETTERS IN THE JOURNAL, AS WELL AS A FACEBOOK STATUS:
leave home behind to collect a newer and fuller definition of home.” – Joseph Dispenza,
“The Way of the Traveler”
anxiety is back. Went down to the Pioneer Saloon for breakfast and am having
trouble settling in back by myself. I have a weird lump in my throat. I should
go outside, but I feel glued to the chair. Slept at 10:30 p.m., woke at 1 a.m.,
couldn sleep again until nearly 5 a.m. Woke at 6:30 a.m. for sunrise, fell back
asleep until 8:30 a.m. Just went outside for a minute. “Blue Bayou” on iTunes.
Being alone has never been terribly easy for me and yet it’s situational. I’m
an introvert, but too much alone time makes me a bit crazy.
Rachel’s dog Pepper yesterday. What a sweetie. I miss my pups. I hope they’re
behaving themselves. It’s me and the writing now. I’m up against it. But it’s
not a battle. It’s – I don’t know what it is. But it’s not a battle.
October 11, 2013
was busy! Went to Bend and then had a residents’ dinner. Bend was okay. It felt
very manufactured, a lot like Ashland. I guess I’m used to Berkeley. Tonight we’re
going to the Paisley Saloon. My computer blue-screened, but (knock wood) seems
okay. Coffee, 25 degrees out. Damn. I just went out and my bare feet are
stinging. Dumbass. Probably nine hours until I see another human being. Somehow
I’m okay with that. I’m happy that I’m okay with the solitude.
I'm a writer and storyteller in Berkeley, CA. If you're wondering where that is, follow the smell of patchouli and skunkweed. There you'll find me with my kickass husband, gorgeous little boy, and manic Lab-Australian Shepherd mix pups. I'm represented by Miriam Altshuler of DeFiore & Co., but of course, my views are my own.