we walk, abundance goes before us.” – Dispenza
was one of the first things I saw when I opened the Traveler book on this, my
last full day at Playa. I actually feel my throat closing and a few tears
welling up – and that’s something for me, really. My predecessors mentioned so
many things that turned out to be true – Lefty, the spiders in the sink, the
sunrise, oh the sunrise – and I’m touched, so touched and so grateful. I am
such a cynic and yet I recognize this as the heartfelt gift it is. If it weren’t
23 degrees out, I would go out to see the sunrise. Hell, I may do it anyway.
TAKE THE LESSONS THE WORLD GIVES TO US: THIS IS THE WORK OF OUR LIVES.
the cat is here, talking up a storm. It’s so
nice to have animal company. I asked her: “How am I supposed to get work done
with all this cuteness around?” It’s pretty awesome.
October 16, 2013
a walk along the playa this AM. Lots of bones and animal dung amongst the
grasses. Last night I had some whiskey with Kristin, David and Jamie. I really
like everyone here – those folks as well as Diane, Beth, Rachel, Lisa, Barb and
Kathy. Everyone who works here is great. I feel so grateful as I near the end
of my stay. Two weeks have gone fast, but so rich. I definitely have grown as a
person for being here.
isolation is interesting – and that’s not a euphemism. Others say
they can’t get enough, but personally, I need the presence of other if not connection with them. I’m
pretty city like that..
you leave on a trip, the last act you perform on the way out of the house –
both in a literal and figurative sense – is closing the door.” – Dispenza
for right now, when I’m starting to wrap things up. I may pack a little today –
and obviously tomorrow. It shouldn’t be that hard. I also need to clean.
Beatles, Michael Franti, Kool and the Gang, Amos Lee, Tori Amos … and so much
are the best here! I wake up so happy – unlike normal, when I so often awake
with anxiety and dread.
October 13, 2013
couple days. Crying like I haven’t cried in months. Nightmares with soundtracks, for God’s sake. Fucking
Evanescence, “My Immortal”. I dreamt Adam was leaving me. Saying the word divorce in my dream was like someone
shooting me in the gut. That line there’s
just so much that time cannot erase … it kills me. The nightmares followed
me up here. Those frigging bastards.
IN LARGE LETTERS IN THE JOURNAL, AS WELL AS A FACEBOOK STATUS:
leave home behind to collect a newer and fuller definition of home.” – Joseph Dispenza,
“The Way of the Traveler”
anxiety is back. Went down to the Pioneer Saloon for breakfast and am having
trouble settling in back by myself. I have a weird lump in my throat. I should
go outside, but I feel glued to the chair. Slept at 10:30 p.m., woke at 1 a.m.,
couldn sleep again until nearly 5 a.m. Woke at 6:30 a.m. for sunrise, fell back
asleep until 8:30 a.m. Just went outside for a minute. “Blue Bayou” on iTunes.
Being alone has never been terribly easy for me and yet it’s situational. I’m
an introvert, but too much alone time makes me a bit crazy.
Rachel’s dog Pepper yesterday. What a sweetie. I miss my pups. I hope they’re
behaving themselves. It’s me and the writing now. I’m up against it. But it’s
not a battle. It’s – I don’t know what it is. But it’s not a battle.
October 11, 2013
was busy! Went to Bend and then had a residents’ dinner. Bend was okay. It felt
very manufactured, a lot like Ashland. I guess I’m used to Berkeley. Tonight we’re
going to the Paisley Saloon. My computer blue-screened, but (knock wood) seems
okay. Coffee, 25 degrees out. Damn. I just went out and my bare feet are
stinging. Dumbass. Probably nine hours until I see another human being. Somehow
I’m okay with that. I’m happy that I’m okay with the solitude.
I'm a writer and performer in Berkeley, Calif. I'm married to a big Jew nose and together we have a fantastic little boy, two gorgeous dogs and the afterlife of a beautiful cat. I am represented by Miriam Altshuler of Miriam Altshuler Literary Agency. Life is good!