Baz went on the big-boy swing for the first time today. It was awesome. You wouldn't have caught me dead saying that a few years ago, but I don't give a damn. It was crazy cool to push him and watch him hanging on tightly with his little hands, his feet swaying as he figured out how to kick to make himself go back and forth.
can seem like total jerks on the road. They can cut you off, drive dangerously,
and be inconsiderate. This is challenging to deal with if their selfishness is
directed intentionally at you. But even if it is, what does it ultimately have
to do with you? Even if they are being completely confrontational, even if they
have just sped up and cut you off and are screaming at you with veins bulging
from neck and forehead, they have chosen you randomly.
means it has nothing to do with you. So why be reactive?
was actually making an error we all make at one time or another – the error of
taking anything personally. The sad
truth is that most people going through the day, actively pursuing their
business, don’t have any idea you’re alive. Nothing is personal. They aren’t
trying to wound you; they’re too busy protecting their own wounds. Often their
behavior is unconscious. They are talking on the phone while driving, involved
in an argument with their spouse, or overtired from working the late shift. You
are incidental, inadvertently experiencing their ‘jerky behavior’ as a
by-product of their inattention. It is only in referring every event back to
“me” – what that person did to me, how
they cut me off – that one’s personal suffering is created.”
After two and a half years, my mojo has returned. It happened suddenly and after a serious period of energy drought. One day I was dragging myself out of bed; the next I was talking gardening and travel.
I attribute this to a few things:
- Bazzy is holding his own more and more. He's becoming his own little person (not that he hasn't always been; just now he's capable of climbing into his high chair, into his car seat, onto his changing table) and it takes pressure off of me. Not to mention that it's rewarding.
- I'm finding the strength I always had plus the resolve of being a parent.
More and more I'm convinced that love is the way. So why do I still hold anger and speak in angry ways? And is this anything I really need to work on? And why do I have more questions than answers?
I'm not even sure answers are answers so much as they are sort of guidelines in the moment. Those guidelines tend to be flexible. Flexible in the moment, hour, year, whatever. They move with us. They change with the seasons.
I'm a writer and storyteller in Berkeley, CA. If you're wondering where that is, follow the smell of patchouli and skunkweed. There you'll find me with my kickass husband, gorgeous little boy, and manic Lab-Australian Shepherd mix pups. I'm represented by Miriam Altshuler of DeFiore & Co., but of course, my views are my own.