Discussed this with Adam today

I find this article about Esther Perel interesting.

Today's writing

At first I didn’t buy it, the way I had trouble swallowing any type of good news. There was no way he could mean it, no way he was actually going to go through with the adoption on the strength of a single walk. Worst of all, I feared that the adoption wouldn’t work out and that Romeo would be right back where he started – and back on the euthanasia list.

I also wondered why Romeo hadn’t been made Rescue-Only based on behavior. Was there a miscalculation that I’d need to worry about? Was he really suitable for adoption? I couldn’t exactly get too deep into a relationship with Paul if the dog I’d gotten him to take on wound up ripping his throat out.

We stood on that corner, blinking in the sunlight. It had been foggy when we left and neither of us thought to bring sunglasses. He seemed as surprised as me, and then he knelt down and petted Romeo. “I know it seems like kind of a quick decision,” he said, “but you know, I’m that kind of dude.”

Well, that did explain something. He’d been quick to take to me, quick to take to the dog he was now nuzzling and who was gently nuzzling back. Had I called it? Were these two an item?

Life was spinning, happening so fast, changes seeming to tumble from the sky like frogs in biblical times. The good, the bad, the what in the hell all drifted around my shoulders like confetti, falling in my eyes, blinding me. 

Today's writing

Part of me hoped that Paul would open his arms and pull me to him. Instead he just kind of sat there with a blank, tired look in his eyes. It took him a minute to say anything. In that time we just watched each other in that half-caring, half-suspicious way of people who are sizing each other up double time.

“Well,” he finally said, “that’s a lot.”

Dismissive. Over it. Over me, already. How did that happen so fast? And yet this is what the other part of me had wanted: someone who saw me as clearly as he apparently did to step away, fast and furious, leaving no tracks, creating no trail.

Leave, then. Leave, and be done with it. Done with me.

“I mean,” he said, “You’ve got a lot going on, Meredith. I guess what I’m wondering if there’s any room for me.”

Well, there you had it. He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay. He wanted to stand by me. Just what I’d always wanted, right?

“I’m not sure,” I said, and then fought the urge to slap myself.

There weren’t really words for the look that crossed his face. You could say it was one part fury mixed with two parts resignation. In any event, it was a cocktail too strong for me to drink.

31k into the revise

This needs to be the last version. I'm more than halfway through now. Lordy, hold my hand.

Healing

In order to heal, you need to want to heal. Otherwise you're just working against nature.

Cozy

Daily OM

Our emotions color our lives with varying palettes. Sometimes we feel a strong emotion in reaction to something that has happened, but emotions also visit us seemingly out of the blue, flooding us unexpectedly with joy or grief or melancholy. Like the weather, they come and go, influencing our mental state with their particular vibration. Sometimes a difficult emotion hangs around longer than we would like, and we begin to wonder when it will release its hold on us. This is often true of grief stemming from loss, for example, or lingering anger over a past event. 

Usually, if we allow ourselves to feel our emotions fully when they come up, they recede naturally, giving way to another and another. When an emotion haunts us, it is often because we are afraid of really feeling it. Emotions like despair and rage are powerful, and it is natural to want to hold them at bay. Certainly, we don't want to let them take us over so that we say or do things we later regret. When we are facing this kind of situation, it can be helpful to ask the spirit, "How long do I need to sit with these emotions, how long do I need to feel these emotions before they can pass?" If you ask sincerely and wait, an answer will come. Setting a time limit on your engagement with that difficult emotion may be just the technique you need to face it fully. 

When you have a sense of how much time you need to spend, set a timer. Sit down and make yourself available to the emotion that has been nagging you. All you have to do is feel it. Avoid getting attached to it or rejecting it. Simply let it ebb and flow within you. Emotions are by their nature cyclical, so you can trust that just as one reaches its apex it will pass. Each time you sit with its presence without either repressing or acting out, you will find that that difficult emotion was the catalyst for much needed emotional healing.