Sunday, July 31, 2011

The missing

Oliver will have been gone a year as of Aug. 14. A year. It doesn't feel right without him, and it never did. I love my dogs dearly and there is no competition there -- the relationship is completely different. Oliver was a bit of a contemporary, really, a fixture in our home and on our couch. He was even a point in our arguments -- whoever's lap he chose was right. And he always chose Adam's.

His death put a punctuation point on a year that was ridiculously difficult. I feel that we've been emerging from that time, but I know that Aug. 14 will be a hard day and I want to do something to honor his memory. I'm not sure what that is yet, but whatever it is, we will be thinking of my big orange boy.

Buffalo Soldier

I never took much notice of Bob Marley before I moved to the Bay Area. Even after coming here, I didn't realize how much I was starting to like him ... until one day I heard "Buffalo Soldier" and I was gone. It brought back so many memories and made me realize two things: a) I really like Marley; and b) I love the Bay Area.

I'm thinking about this even as I think about the wide world out there. I want to travel and explore. I want to see what it's like on the other side of the world. But -- and part of me, the adventurer part, doesn't want to admit this -- I think I've found my home.

Yet as I write that, I wonder if it's true. After all, can't we have many homes? I have several: here, New York, Boston, Toulouse ... I can think of others but right now those will suffice.

Yes, we can have many homes, just as we can have many The Ones. Maybe Marley knew that too.

Friday, July 22, 2011

My heart breaks

For every animal who doesn't have a home. For everyone I want to save. For those I can't and for those I can. My heart breaks, and it's not even 11 am.

Apt quotes

I attended a reading at Mrs. Dalloway's for Fire Monks. David Zimmerman, one of the five monks who turned back on the road to Tassajara and helped save the place from burning in 2008, was there and what he said found me scrabbling for a pen. Without going into too much detail, these were things I needed to hear this week.

Whatever happens is right in every moment.

Fear is actually an idea of the future.

There's some point we all face ... this fundamental moment of the urgency of life.

Every moment is a story.

We are never the character we think we are. awe are never the story we think we are.

We don't need shelter. We can meet this moment.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Not yet Zen

I got up way early today to get to meditation by 6:15. Adam couldn't believe it. But I could. I'm good at getting up when it's something I want to do, and I wanted to do this.

I only lasted half an hour. Then I start getting really fidgety. It's not as though I was able to just concentrate on my breath this morning either. I just watched my thoughts rollick back and forth. Like -- how best to do the freelancing? What's going to happen to The Project? Things like that.

I continue to battle anxiety, though I am quite happy these days. It definitely showed in the meditation. I can't just push it away. I need to learn to contend with it.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Free Falling

It's dropping

I've been losing weight steadily since returning to freelancing.


I don't want to create too much hubris in announcing that out loud -- even in a blog post. But it's worth noting. I've wanted to go back to freelancing for quite some time, wanted to concentrate on my own creative writing. Adam and I argued about it more than I can say. It wasn't that he didn't want me to do it, but he wanted me to wait until he'd graduated.

I was having a hard time with that.

Now it's done and I'm on the other side. I'm going for a hike this afternoon. While I may or may not bring the computer, it's likely I won't feel that I need to urgently check it.