Wednesday, December 31, 2014

2014 in review

Bullet points, because why not:

Those are the major achievements. This has been a very happy year for me and I'm wishing the same for 2015. Happy New  Year!

Maizie stole my pillow

Friday, December 26, 2014


In therapy I talked about feeling less than. Then I snuffled. That's unusual for me. I'm not a crier, in therapy at least. Of course, that's the place you're supposed to cry, right? Maybe that's why I don't.

I used to feel less than. I used to assume everyone's needs were more important than mine, that their lives were more valuable.

I have two words for that today: fuck that.

It's their Aw faces

Christmas with Simon Opela O'Brien

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

"You're becoming awesomer but you're not becoming sexier. You're awesomer because you like yourself better. You couldn't be sexier."

THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is why I married him.

I love Family Dog Rescue

Last January, I began volunteering at Family Dog Rescue in San Francisco. I can't express what an amazing experience this has been for me. The people there are so warm and incredible, and they love the dogs like their own. I'm just feeling really warm toward this organization right now. The work that they put into not only the dogs they rescue but the community at large is something amazing. I'm going in tomorrow to keep the dogs holiday company. :)

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

From "With Care", Henri J.M. Nouwen

There is a story ... About a university professor who came to a Zen master to ask him about Zen. Nan-in, the Zen master, served him tea.

"He poured his visitor's cup full, and then kept pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he could no longer restrain himself. 'It is overfull. No more will go in!' 'Like this cup,' Nan-in said, 'you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?"

The Sun interview with Stephen Harrod Buhner

We all know the cliche that men in midlife suddenly get a toupee or a sports car or a new wife, but few of us understand that at every major stage of life ... We move into different territories of the self. 


At each stage we have the chance to correct the past to some extent, to do the things we avoided doing. Most of all, we have to understand that our younger self is not coming back. And we always fear that passing, that movement toward the end of life. If we do not come to terms with these passages, we risk becoming less genuine, becoming the enemy of our souls and our memories. We risk lying on our deathbed, looking back, and saying, "I could have." That is a deep betrayal of the self, one that I am determined to avoid if at all possible. I wish to greet my death knowing I have left nothing undone. 

You Are So Beautiful

RIP Joe Cocker. I'm listening to that song right now and kind of getting close to tearing up. It's just such a simple and powerful tune.

I've been thinking about love lately, what it means and how you define it. I'm sure I've loved men other than Adam. I've loved plenty of people in many different ways. It's just easier to forget that sometimes.

Monday, December 22, 2014

Saturday, December 20, 2014

St. Orres, July 2013

Sometimes these days I think I was incapable of looking good when I was fat. I think this picture disproves that. I look so happy it's disgusting.

Why There Are Words

This picture makes me happy for a number of reasons. First, it was taken (back in June 2012) at Why There Are Words in Sausalito. Second, I'm holding a beer. Third, I'm with two of the better dudes out there: Adam and Marcus. Those guys. I have spent many a night trash-talking with the two of them. Good times.

In progress

The innocuous gets you the worst. Of course I’ve known that all along. Knowing means nothing. I shake my head to clear it of these thoughts as Kelly brings out a package that looks for all the world as though it just contains gum. Gum, the most innocent of the innocent. But this isn’t gum.

“This is indica,” she says. “It’s a head high. That means you can still be in the game, just more relaxed.”

I’d forgotten that I’d known her. When she came up to me at the party and threw her arms around me, I thought: Oh shit. Damn my faulty memory; it’s only a failure when I need it to help me. Eventually it coalesced: her name, a few scant details about her. It didn’t much matter. She was determined to get high and to take a few of us with her.

We gather in a back room that the apartment dwellers call the garage. Shit is everywhere. A bike, a few couches, bags of crap. It puts me at ease. I like the people who live here. I like how they inhabit space, how they are comfortable with their own footprint.

“Okay,” Kelly says, leaning against an ironing board. “Who’s going first?”

My husband’s voice hard in my head: You never say no, can you? But he’s nowhere near. He doesn’t have to know. 


The love of my life is really the only love of my life. That makes things easier, I think.

Indigo Girls, "Get Out the Map"

The saddest sight my eyes can see is that big ball of orange sinking slyly down the trees
Sitting in a broken circle while you rest upon my knee this perfect moment will soon be leaving me
Suzanne calls from Boston the coffee's hot the corn is high
And that same sun that warms your heart will suck the good earth dry
With everything it's opposite enough to keep you crying or keep this old world spinning with a twinkle in its eye
Get out the map get out the map and lay your finger anywhere down
We'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town
Don't drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone I'm gonna clear my head
I'm gonna drink that sun I'm gonna love you good and strong
while our love is good and young Joni left for South Africa a few years ago and then
Beth took a job all the way over on the West Coast
And me I'm still trying to live half a life on the road
I'm heavier by the year and heavier by the load.
Why do we hurtle ourselves through every inch of time and space I must say around some corner
I can sense a resting place
With every lesson learned a line upon your beautiful face
We'll amuse ourselves one day with these memories we'll trace
Get out the map get out the map and lay your finger anywhere down
We'll leave the figuring to those we pass on our way out of town
Don't drink the water there seems to be something ailing everyone
I'm gonna clear my head I'm gonna drink the sun
I'm gonna love you good and strong while our love is good and young

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Just found myself writing this to Warren

I’m also becoming a fucking spendthrift. Now that I can fit into size extra-small tops and jeans that don’t befit a walrus, I’m spending hand over fist. Of course, that may be moderate by some standards, but I’m the original thrift-shop Jew. Hmmm … thrift shop … sounds good …

The girly girl

Do I have a fever or am I just nuts?

Yesterday I:

- Spent $80 at Jeremy's.
- Spent another $34 at Mars.
- Was up at 4 am pricing kickass riding boots on Amazon. I do not own a horse.

And I'm wearing makeup. What the hell has happened to me?

Monday, December 8, 2014

Maya Blum, "Pairings"

Me and my dude

 Adam's graduation from Cal State East Bay, 2011.
The Haight, also 2011.
Singing TV theme songs at Pacific Bay Brewing Company, also 2011. What's with 2011?

Friday, December 5, 2014

Late night/early morning thought

I wish there were genuine love between me and Adam's family. Instead, there's barely restrained tension. I want to say fuck it, but that seems too cavalier. Things won't change and I have other priorities. 

Thursday, December 4, 2014


“Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know,” I say, and it’s the most truthful thing I’ve said all day. We don’t always act out of awareness. We don’t always do things for a purpose. Sometimes we strike out at the world, at life, fumbling blindly in our own personal dark for reasons we can’t even express to ourselves.

Was that why Katie’s killer did what he did? Did he need a reason for taking my daughter, our daughter, away from the world?

Yes. Yes, goddammit, he did and he does. There has to be a reason that things happen. If there isn’t a reason, then I’m fucked. We’re all fucked. We’re all swimming in muck for no reason until someone plucks us out and chucks us in the trash can. I want to, need to, have to believe that there is a purpose for things to happen as they do.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Rainy day

Holed up in a cafe in Jack London Square.


Listening to Hall and Oates.


Saturday, November 29, 2014


If the doctor’s manner put me at ease, his looks jarred me. He was simply one of those good-looking men who didn’t know it, didn’t have to know it, because the world knew it on his behalf. His hair was the color of rust, his eyes made of emeralds. He had that Paddy O’Shea sort of Irish look about him, so much so that I might expect him to turn to me with a Guinness in his hand. But he was also tall and robust, the All-American type, a high-school football player perhaps, a college basketball star. He had that kind of body that knew instinctively how to handle some type of ball or another, where to throw it, how to coax it into a hoop. His mouth appeared quick to smile; his cheeks were ruddy with what I figured was good health. He’d probably smoked a cigarette once or twice in his life, maybe a joint, even a little bit of blow, but quickly renounced it. He wore a simple and squarish wedding ring, a gold band that held itself easily around his finger. I imagined his wife might possess the same sort of ease in the world, the kind you’re either born with or not, an inheritance of sorts, a trust fund, a gift. You could never manufacture or purchase it. It was either a given or a mystery.

Cafe Yesterday

Eye contact

Rockridge yesterday. I gave a guy with a dog a dollar and looked him in the eyes. It changed me somehow.

Saturday, November 22, 2014


The webcam gives me images.I'm wearing headphones in all of them, but there is a marked difference. Thank God.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Adam with our babies

 With Jack the night before we went to Missouri.
With Maizie in Tahoe earlier this year.

Saturday, November 15, 2014