Wednesday, May 25, 2011

So true

"All that you have is your soul." - Tracy Chapman

She said "don't be tempted by the shiny apple." Somehow the shiny apple never tastes as sweet as it looks, does it?

Thursday, May 19, 2011


I get a call: I have an agent. To celebrate I drive to the city. I park in Chinatown and the car rolls down the hill. People loot it. I get a few nice instant messages. Truly odd. I don't even really chat online.

Lost in Translation

Sleepless in Phoenix, kept awake by the voices below me, I'm watching Lost in Translation.

The first time I saw it in the theaters, I was by myself. I was in a crowd, in a too-large theater in San Francisco. The Metreon, I think. There was a woman next to me who kept loudly explaining all the nuances to her companion. I wanted to shove my fist so far down her throat that she would feel it in her kidneys, but instead I concentrated on the movie. It worked, sort of.

The next time I saw it I was with Adam. We were in the apartment he once shared with his girlfriend, the one he was in the process of moving out of. She was already gone. "It's so quiet," he said. When we lay on the couch I was amazed at how well he made our bodies fit together, how we wrapped around each other as if we were designed to do just that.

Tonight I am alone. I have a greater understanding of the movie, of the silences that stretch when you're alone, when you watch the world and realize you don't have much of a part in it. I understand that perhaps better than I should.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I'm at one of those only-in-Berkeley cafes that is actually not in Berkeley at all: It's in Phoenix. I'm here for the Urban Land Institute conference, staying through Friday. Conspire is such a wonderful getaway from the black hole of conferences. There's an open mic, Ping-Pong table, overpriced iced coffee, people talking about books. A guy came over to me, held up a picture, and said: "Have you seen this man?" The picture was of J.D. Salinger.

Boho. Boho right off the main downtown strip of Phoenix, a place so bereft of soul, at least to the casual visitor, as to be completely depressing. But here there is no cynicism, no networking. I could stay here all night and perhaps I will.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Saturday night

ME: I'm not with my grad student who I'm banging. I should get thrown out of Strada.

ADAM: Yes, you are!

Friday, May 6, 2011

International No Diet Day

One of my Facebook friends has proclaimed this as such, and I just remembered. It seems impossible for me at this point not to be obsessed with food: How much I eat, when I eat it, how I eat it. I am 37 pounds down and the obsession just seems like an everyday thing.

I have been heavy since I was eight years old. After I dealt with the hair, the weight was next. I shake my head when I hear the Lap-Band commercials because I know from firsthand experience that it's not as easy as one to two pounds a week, no problem. There's a lot that goes on to get there, if you get there.

I am not proud of admitting that I am obsessed around food. I am also not ashamed. It is just another challenge.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

"The Last Post"

This brought tears to my eyes today. I didn't know Derek Miller, but I am so touched by his final post, written in advance before he died of cancer this week.

What got me the most was what he wrote to his kids and wife, in that order:

What is true is that I loved them. Lauren and Marina, as you mature and become yourselves over the years, know that I loved you and did my best to be a good father.
Airdrie, you were my best friend and my closest connection. I don't know what we'd have been like without each other, but I think the world would be a poorer place. I loved you deeply, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you.
His blog shows the power of so many things, among them deep personal love and the power of the internet. I believe in both.