Missing

I was up late last night crying about Oliver. I hadn't cried about him in a while. I think about him every day, but I don't cry all that often any more. Last night I did. Last night I cried until my eyes were sore and my nose ran. I relived every one of his last moments, the way we held him, the way both Adam and I cried.

But in a way it wasn't so much about him as about the dogs. I know how it went with Oliver and it went well. Yes, he died, but he died at an extremely advanced age, surrounded by love, with nothing wrong with him except for the fact that he was really damn old.

The dogs? They scare me, and my love for them scares me. Nothing can happen to them. I won't let it.

Lonesome

“You are simply not lonely enough when you travel with companions… Spells of acute loneliness are an essential part of travel. Loneliness makes things happen.” - Jonathan Rabin, Driving Home: An American Journey

The difference

40 is always 40.
It has always looked the same for the most part.
The difference
between you at 20
and now at 37, looking up at 40
with the optimistic resignation
of one who doesn't believe she's that close:
You can see the youth
that once was there,
perhaps still is.
You can see who they once were
and who they've carried over into today.
History is a sixth sense for you,
one you didn't have nearly two decades ago,
one you're now better equipped to understand.

Making a difference

For a long time I've been interested in animal advocacy. I volunteered at the Berkeley Humane Society for years before the devastating fire in May 2010. Since then I've been somewhat paralyzed, sitting on the sidelines. At first I told myself it was because of Oliver -- my energies needed to go to him. But he passed away in August 2010, and the excuses have been thinner since.

Now I've decided to take action. I'm going to be volunteering with Oakland Animal Services and BAD RAP, a rescue organization for pit bulls. I can't just passively look at what goes on via Facebook, seeing who dies and who lives. Sending money is something, but it's not enough. Action is where it's at.

Two things

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. - Steve Jobs

And I think I've discovered the fuck-it principle. More later as details emerge.

Santa Sabina Center