Goodbye Stranger

It was an early morning yesterday
I was up before the dawn
And I really have enjoyed my stay
But I must be moving on

Like a king without a castle
Like a queen without a throne
I'm an early morning lover
And I must be moving on

Now I believe in what you say
Is the undisputed truth
But I have to have things my own way
To keep me in my youth

Like a ship without an anchor
Like a slave without a chain
Just the thought of those sweet ladies
Sends a shiver through my veins

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

Goodbye stranger it's been nice
Hope you find your paradise
Tried to see your point of view
Hope your dreams will all come true

Goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane
Will we ever meet again
Feel no sorrow, feel no shame
Come tomorrow, feel no pain

Sweet devotion (Goodbye, Mary)
It's not for me (Goodbye, Jane)
Just give me motion (Will we ever)
To set me free (Meet again?)
In the land and the ocean (Feel no sorrow)
Far away (Feel no shame)
It's the life I've chosen (Come tomorrow)
Every day (Feel no pain)
So goodbye, Mary (Goodbye, Mary)
Goodbye, Jane (Goodbye, Jane)
Will we ever (Will we ever)
Meet again? (Meet again?)

Now some they do and some they don't
And some you just can't tell
And some they will and some they won't
With some it's just as well

You can laugh at my behaviour
And that'll never bother me
Say the devil is my saviour
But I don't pay no heed

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

Goodbye, stranger, it's been nice
Hope you find your paradise
Tried to see your point of view
Hope your dreams will all come true

Goodbye, Mary, goodbye, Jane
Will we ever meet again?
Feel no sorrow, feel no shame
Come tomorrow, feel no pain

Sweet devotion (Goodbye, Mary)
It's not for me (Goodbye, Jane)
Just give me motion (Will we ever)
To set me free (Meet again?)
In the land and the ocean (Feel no sorrow)
Far away (Feel no shame)
It's the life I've chosen (Come tomorrow)
Every day (Feel no pain)

So now I'm leaving (Goodbye, Mary)
Got to go (Goodbye, Jane)
Hit the road (Will we ever)
I'll say it once again (Meet again?)
Oh, yes, I'm leaving (Feel so sorrow)
Got to go (Feel no shame)
Got to go (Come tomorrow)
I'm sorry, I must dash (Feel no pain)

So goodbye, Mary (Goodbye, Mary)
Goodbye, Jane (Goodbye, Jane)
Will we ever (Will we ever)
Meet again? (Meet again?)

Oh, I'm leaving
I've got to go

Tonight

My therapist told me I sabotage myself. I also said I don't know what I want. Food for thought, though perhaps not terribly original recipes.

Thank you, Aunt Linda

Joni Mitchell quote from a fellow Grottoite

With a long relationship, things die then are rekindled, and that shared process of rebirth deepens the love. It’s hard work, though, and a lot of people run at the first sign of trouble. You’re with this person, and suddenly you look like an asshole to them or they look like an asshole to you — it’s unpleasant, but if you can get through it you get closer and you learn a way of loving that’s different from the neurotic love enshrined in movies. It’s warmer and has more padding to it.

You know

For a supposedly smart person, I sure am dumb about a lot of things.

Point Arena

Joe Dolce rides again

Only my kid. 

St. Orres!

Here's where we'll be later today, on this longest day of the year. Guest House, baby!

More BAD HAIR

I mean, of course I loved him as a friend. And there was no denying that I had a big old crush on him. Was that the same as love? I was tempted to say I have no clue. But weren’t you supposed to know whether you loved someone? Thing is, I wasn’t sure what love felt like, at least when it came to something romantic that you felt for another human being.

There were all kinds of ideas, all kinds of images, the sorts of things that they wrote about in songs and played out on television and in the movies. It all felt soapy and false to me. Love, I guessed, was there when you knew it to be there.

I had the overwhelming desire to write to him and say okay, this is what I did to myself, aren’t I a total idiot? What could be the harm in admitting to what I had done, what happened to me?

Maybe it was love when you didn’t worry about what you were going to say to that other person.

I flashed back to meeting Matt at the shelter that first time. We introduced ourselves in that awkward way of people who perhaps should know each other’s name but don’t. My hand in his, shaking. There was a fire burning that day, scorching the nearby hilltops of Escondido to the north. It might as well have been in the parking lot of the shelter, that’s how much ash was getting dropped and wind was getting whipped and the air was chokable, practically chewable, but hardly breathable.

The shelter. That was where I needed to be. I needed to be taking care of others because there was only so much I could do for myself. Speaking of that, though, I needed to at least call The Clinique to ask them if there was anything I could do to stop swelling up like the damn Muffin Man.

I’d programmed them into my phone. At least that was a smart move, Meredith. You’re not exactly full of them these days. Ah, shut up, Self. I started to hit the Call button and my mother walked into the room. I stowed the phone under my thigh and gritted my teeth. “Don’t you knock?”

The look on her face: it was as if I had slapped her full force with brass knuckles.

“Any reason?” You could tell she was trying to be cool. “If you’ve got some sort of stash, don’t worry about stowing it. Just share.”

She paced around my room in her oversized NY LAUNDRY sweatshirt, leggings, and ballet flats. The 1990s called, Mom. They want their outfit back. But there was no denying that she was cute in her chosen clothes, even if they belonged on a 20-year-old Target rack.

My mother filled out her ensemble, her self, in a way I could only envy. Maybe when I was 800 years old like her I could be the same way. Thing is, though, heredity doesn’t let you pick and choose. The same genes that give you the possibility of confidence also slap you with so many reasons that you may never get to enjoy it.

Food for thought

From BAD HAIR, formerly BEARDED LADY

Maybe I should have waited until I got home. Ten minutes of driving past one suburban development after another would bring me there; two songs on the radio, three, tops. Ten more minutes of being like this and I could take care of myself.

It would never last, though. It never did.

So: this prison. It wasn’t so much a prison as a cage within a cage, the Russian nesting dolls of the present moment. I was in the belly of the beast, nestled up against its chest cavity; I was where things intersected, where it all went down. In a way, the shelter was pregnant with me.

“Well,” I muttered, standing there in that doorway, unable to make myself go any further into this place, “it doesn’t get any easier from here.”

Yeah right

I told myself Version 2.0 was different. I was so wrong. 

HippoReads

Thrilled to announce that I have joined HippoReads as an editor! Have a look -- they (we!) are doing some great stuff over there!

Father's Day

Insomnia

A whirling mind means little to no sleep.

You guys have been together forever he said a long time ago. I can't touch that. 

It occurs to me

Most friendships only have certain expectations. Then there are the friendships tinged with romantic overtones. Those, you've got expectations. Those, you've got tensions. Those, you have fights that go on and on and on.

I don't know how to fight those fires. I think I've only just grokked this, though it seems fairly obvious. Doesn't it?

Lunch date

Three years ago

Damn, this song speaks to me tonight

Adam's and my song

One of many.

Gotye, "Somebody That I Used to Know"

You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end

The sound

Adam told me he heard me become a mother. "Your voice changed," he said.

I was asking for Baz for nearly 20 minutes before I was even allowed to touch him. His was a difficult birth -- he came out stunned (medical term) and needed to be given air and stabilized before I could hold him. Meanwhile I was muttering about how much I loved my baby and wanted my baby. Hell, I probably would've slapped myself, but Adam said he saw what was happening.

When I finally put my arms around him, the words poured out. I told him all the things we wanted to do for him, with him. The ways we wished to love him. The ways we wanted him to love himself.

This

Nappy Roots, "Good Day"

"Good Day"
(feat. Gregg Street)

Let's begin now

Know today, I woke up this morning, and I said
You know, instead of waitin' on a good day
Waitin' around, through ups and downs, waitin' on somethin' to happen
I just said...

We're gonna have
We're gonna have
We're gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Heyyy
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
Cause ain't nobody gonna die today
You save that drama for another day
Heyyy
We're gonna have a good day

Hairline fresh, new cologne on
Feelin' so good, change the colors to my phone
Orange Kool-Aid go good with Patron
Oh no, hell no, boy is still my ring tone
Free car wash, had to clean up the Dodge
Give back when I can, just playin' my part
Church folks had a fish fry, mustard, hot sauce
Light bread and french fries
Love for the big guy
Hit the park, boys showin' off their hops
Nappy Roots on the radio and you know it bop
Last night, hit the pick three, bought some Air Force Ones
Four tall tees, man I'm loving B.G.

We're gonna have
We're gonna have
We're gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Heyyy
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
'Cause ain't nobody gonna die today
You save that drama for another day
Heyyy
We're gonna have a good day

[Fish Scales:]
And I ain't finna worry 'bout what nobody say
I'm still above ground, and that's the reason I pray
Got my car cleaned up, now I'm ready to play
Make a call to the sticks, say I'm headed their way
Heard my cousin cookin' out, I gotta get me a plate
Got this new outfit, ain't even out in the States
So if I ain't speakin' too soon, but this a hell of a day
And this sticky got me sittin' in a hell of a place
Got my stunna shades on and grin on my face
My new grill looks mean but I swear I'm straight
And the hood showin' love so I'm A-ok

We're gonna have
We're gonna have
We're gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Heyyy
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
'Cause ain't nobody gonna die today
You save that drama for another day
Heyyy
We're gonna have a good day

[Skinny DeVille:]
We might as well do exactly what the children sayin'
Take the day off, hit the park and just hang
Barbeque, roll a few, and put up your deuce
If it's beef, put down the peace down, throw up your dukes
It's time to change our ways
So we can save the day
For the children's sake and make a better place to play
And if it's all good, break out your coop and grip your wood
And if you're ridin' dirty, light your spliff and blow your —
But do it real big, exactly like a player should
Enjoy your 24, do your thing and rep your hood
The world is all yours, but still we all grind
Forever and a day, the choice you make is really all fine

We're gonna have
We're gonna have
We're gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Heyyy
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
Cause ain't nobody gonna die today
You save that drama for another day
Heyyy
We're gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Heyyy
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
Cause ain't nobody gonna die today
You can save that drama for another day
Heyyy
We're gonna have a good day

Ironic

When the person who wants boundaries can't handle them.

Hard decisions

It's time to talk again about leaving the Bay Area.

Adam and I both have full-time jobs and it barely covers everything, including our exorbitant $2800 rent on our pleasure palace in scenic South Berkeley. The only reason I've hesitated is because I absolutely love our friends here. The idea of leaving, especially because we can't afford it, breaks my heart.

That said, so does the idea that we're stressed all the time. That's a bunch of bullshit. I talked to my dad last week and he said: "$2800? I never paid a mortgage that large."

Something is very, very wrong.

I never knew

I took so many things for granted before becoming a mother. Artist residencies, for example. I just wished a friend a happy birthday -- we met at Kimmel Harding Nelson Center for the Arts -- and I longed physically for something like that right now.

Version 2.0

Conceiving it in that way is the only way I can be friends with this guy. The old rules do not apply; the old circumstances are gone, expired. You are an elf on the shelf, sitting and waiting. I will take you down to play when I am good and ready.

Five in the morning Cat in the Hat

When your kid decides his entire Dr. Seuss catalog must be read before sunrise. Jesus.

Struggle

Adam doesn't believe he and I can be friends. I still hold out hope. Last time was Version 1.0 I say. Maybe 2.0 will be better.

Napa