Anxiety

It's clawing at me from the inside out. It always does when I get what I want. 

Fueled by Philz

I dodged so many bullets.

Most of them were from people who didn't know what they wanted. 

Sometimes I think they're the most dangerous ones. 

The horrid neighbor

She and her friends played loud music and screamed in the street at midnight. Then she slashed our tires when we called the cops.

She made fun of Baz for being scared to take the bus when he was in kindergarten.

She bragged in front of us that "I got all the white and Asian people working for me" at school, then beat her child until he wailed audibly.

She took up so much space, so much air, that our own living room felt polluted by her. 

She will never read this. 

Yesterday

Twenty-second anniversary of our first kiss. We sat on a bench on Piedmont Avenue. He pressed down so hard my mouth hurt. Then he paced. "I can't help it," he said. "The energy."

Last year

This played over and over:

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends.

Good memories, yes

There are indeed good memories here. 

I cried watching this. Baz put his arms around me and lay his head on my shoulder. "Does this make you sad?" he asked.

"Yes," I said. "And happy too."

What I learned this weekend

At Family Camp, Camp Loma Mar: 

- Cold showers SUCK. Especially when the lights go out.

- It's really, really important to be close to the bathroom. Let's say our cabin was not.

- I want to try camping again because when I hate something for the first time, I find it interesting later on down the road. I mean, that's how I felt about Adam when I first met him ...

Dave Navarro on Instagram

I was re-reading Whitman’s Leaves of Grass and it occurred to me that there is a strong parallel between his work and that of our own. The leaves represent the cycle of life and death, yet he continued to work on the body of poems until his own death in 1892. Perhaps he, like us, was unable to fully understand his own work as he continuously tried to re-write, add and expand upon it, willing away his own work’s cycle of life… just as we have. Perhaps it’s simpler to recognize when something is gone and learn from the magical lesson of grief rather than avoid it and remain in a consistent state of dissatisfaction.

Albert Camus

The older I get, the more I find that you can only live with those who free you, who love you with an affection that is as light to bear as it is strong to feel.

Today's life is too hard, too bitter, too anemic, for us to undergo new bondages, from whom we love. This is how I am your friend, I love your happiness, your freedom, Your adventure in one word, and I would like to be for you the companion we are sure of, always.

Visuals

Here's where we're moving!

Money

I'm talking to a close friend about money. He was surprised when I told him I spent my twenties broke as anything. I mean, we're talking broke. I haven't been there for a long time. I hope never to be there again. 

That's right!

 

Deborah on Facebook, 2017

You know, it took me a while to get this, what Allison meant. She had to remind me of the historical date...which had been slipping in & out of my consciousness. Allison was the first one to tell me a version of what happened on 9/11 sixteen years ago. She said, over the telephone, "I think a plane crashed into a building in NY. I don't know when I'll be able to fly...they're closing all the airports." "For a crash in New York?" All was unclear, in those early hours.

The Killers

Are we human, or are we dancer?