We got to see Anthony!

 

New York City, December 2024

 

Dogs

I was just watching Yosh and thinking how we need to let dogs settle into their own quirks and let themselves be known to us. He is his own dude for sure. He can get excitable, but he can also be super chill. We've had him for two years now on Sept. 30, and still I'm learning more about him every day, trying not to conflate him with his fellow four-footers who came before. Heart you, kid.

Anger

Baz told us he'd gotten a "wood thing" stuck in his ear. 

After he left the room, I pounded the couch. "What the fuck? He barely tells me anything, now this?"

"He's 10," Adam said. "It's what they do."

Times Square, December 2024

 

Two years

 

At 5 a.m. on Sept. 23, 2023, my Maizie awoke. Something wasn't right. We knew that was going to be the day.

Four hours later, she died in Adam's arms.

This was my soul doggie. There is no second-guessing that. That doesn't mean I don't love my other dogs just as much. 

It just means that Maizie, my Little Miss, my Little Girl, got me in an entirely different way.

Camp Loma Mar, 2024

 

Everything about this picture grabs me: the way he's smiling straight into the camera, the way he's done his whole life; the beautiful eyes, the dirty little knee. There are not words to tell you how much I love being his mother, how much I appreciate and value it to the damn moon and right back again. 

2015

 

Love him so much

 

Solano Stroll

 

I want to knit you a sweater
I want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel free
I want to make you feel free

Barenaked Ladies, "One Week"

I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve

I have a history of taking off my shirt

Wegovy Week Whatever

Down 10 pounds, able to pass up the Pumpkin Joe-Joes at TJs. I'm liking this. 

Thinking about my mom

By the time I had Baz, she was too far into dementia to show much interest. But I swear to fucking God, there are times I go to pick up my phone to get advice from her. She's not taking calls, unfortunately. 

From Ahoj once again

I have, it seems, roughly the sense of a rutabaga when it comes to romantic connection.

Still more Ahoj

We get on the train. Ukončete, prosím, výstup a nástup, dveře se zavírají! Please finish getting on and off, the doors are closing. We are spinning in a circle of our own making. We are two people who don’t particularly like one another – that much is becoming clear – but still. There is that draw.
 
Is that enough?

More Ahoj

My father is talking about something. I’m not really listening. It’s the same old song of my childhood, the typical momentum of his conversation for as long as I’ve known him.

He’s talking about himself. If that meant he was opening to me, revealing something meaningful, that would be different. But he’s talking about the same shit he always discusses, stuff that feels like it doesn’t matter in the long run, the kind of conversation you might find at some incredibly dull happy hour. It’s not so much what he’s saying as it is the way he says it; fascinated and trying to telegraph it, as if I’m expected to be as taken with his words as he is.
 
I want my father to ask about my experience in Pardubice, to question what I’m doing there, maybe even to challenge it just a little bit. I could handle that. What I can’t handle is his arrogant insistence on speaking only, only about himself.
 
Children rely on their parents to care, to show interest.
 
At heart we are all children.

Tori Amos, "Silent All These Years"

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the antichrist in the kitchen yelling at me again
Yeah, I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
Got something to say, you know, but nothing comes
Yes, I know what you think of me, you never should've
Yeah, I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and it's been here
Silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you?
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone?
I got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think it's enough
To get us there?

'Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and it's been here
Silent all these

Years go by
Will I still, will I still be here waiting to understand?
Years go by
If I'm stripped, if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the clouds raining in my head
Years go by
Will I choke 'til finally there's nothing left?
One more casualty, you know we're too easy, easy, easy

Well, I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby, don't look up, the sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody looking at you, here, take hold of my hand
Yeah, I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of yours
With her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice, I hear my voice
I hear my voice and it's been here
Silent all these years

I've been here
Silent all these years
Silent all these
Silent all these years

Joni Mitchell, "California"

Sitting in a park in Paris France

Reading the news and it sure looks bad

They won't give peace a chance
That was just a dream some of us had
Still a lot of lands to see
But I wouldn't want to stay here
It's too old and cold and settled in its ways here
Oh but California

California I'm coming home
I'm going to see the folks I dig
I'll even kiss a Sunset pig
California I'm coming home

I met a redneck on a Grecian isle
Who did the goat dance very well
He gave me back my smile
But he kept my camera to sell
Oh the rogue the red red rogue
He cooked good omelettes and stews
And I might have stayed on with him there
But my heart cried out for you California

Oh California I'm coming home
Oh make me feel good rock 'n' roll band
I'm your biggest fan
California I'm coming home

Oh it gets so lonely
When you're walking
And the streets are full of strangers
All the news of home you read
Just gives you the blues
Just gives you the blues
So I bought me a ticket
I caught a plane to Spain
Went to a party down a red dirt road
There were lots of pretty people there
Reading Rolling Stone reading Vogue
They said "How long can you hang around?"
I said a week maybe two
Just until my skin turns brown
Then I'm going home to California

California I'm coming home
Oh will you take me as I am
Strung out on another man
California I'm coming home

Oh it gets so lonely
When you're walking
And the streets are full of strangers
All the news of home you read
More about the war
And the bloody changes
Oh will you take me as I am?
Will you take me as I am?
Will you?

Two years ago

I saw my mother alive for the last time.

In that moment my world cleaved into two: before and after. Those who were with me in both are the ones who matter most.

From Ahoj

Totalitarian rule feels so quaint, so essentially European. It’s part of the history books, not something that’s real. Or at least, not real for me as an American. It belongs here, with the castles and the cobblestones that cause my backpack’s wheels to clack. Here, where I have no ties and no commitments, where I can flee at a moment’s notice if need be.