Black clouds

I've been in a lousy mood for the last day or so, just contrary and ornery. I really should be locked up in a padded cage. I'm not fit for society.

August sucked. Sucked.  We got through it and here comes September, another month I dislike. There's change in the air, but right now it's all theoretical. And I've never dealt well in theory.

I'm looking forward to having the dogs. Right now they're theory too. They're also strangers, sweet strange little creatures who I'm just now warming up to. It's taking a while. Everything seems to.

Audio debut!

Here I am on CPE Radio.

Friday night

A reason I love Adam

When a Meg Whitman ad comes on the radio, he hisses: "Goddammit. I hate you, fucking bitch."

It's funny. Maybe you just have to be there.

Cold

Cut off from grief, from loving other animals again. I feel cold, and it's a chill that will take time to thaw. There is the ache of loss and it is freezing.

Great News!

I'm a finalist in the SheWrites Passion Project contest!

The Ides of August

August has been an intense month.

In the span of slightly more than two weeks, I had surgery and lost my beloved cat. Now we're preparing to welcome two puppies into our home in three weeks. In between there have been family visits and just life in general.

I have no conclusion or final thing to say about it. It's just life and as happy or as sad or as maddened as it can make you, it's inevitable.

Maizie and Jack -- and Oliver

Oliver is up there saying: "Get off my lawn!" I'd like to think he's also saying: "Go for it."

We adopted two Labrador-Australian Shepherd puppies today: Maizie and Jack. They're five weeks old, so they will have to wait to come home with us until they're eight weeks.

Which is good. I need the three weeks to prepare, both emotionally and in practical terms. These are beautiful dogs and I know that I will bond with them. But I miss my bear. And there is guilt. I know we're doing the right thing, but there is guilt. He's not being replaced -- he never could be. But -- there is guilt.

But I do think he's saying: "Go for it." And I thank him for it.

Wrote this to a friend today

I just miss him so much ... it is impossible that he is gone. You wouldn't believe the spaces in this place that are empty as a result of his loss. Chairs, the couch, the bed, corners ... all of it waiting for a sweet soul who will never come back. It is unfathomable that I will never hold him again, never brush him, never get swiped at by him (!), never feed him while chattering to him ("You like this stuff, huh? Oh yeah you do ...") Still I cannot say enough what it was to have him, and to share him with Adam, who treated him like gold.

More on mourning

I mourned in vet's offices, taking the top off Oliver's carrier, assuring him that I hated this as much as him, watching the white-coated doctor press cold metal to his belly. I mourned waiting for test results, cajoling him to eat with promises of hand-fed tuna and baby food. I mourned as he grew skinnier, as I watched his gait slow.

I mourn today, but I am glad the end was gentle and his life, even in his older days, was good.

Mourning

It doesn't take a singular shape.

Sometimes it comes in a laugh. Other times in a gasp when you realize a fact of your life is gone. There are tears and there are thoughtful moments. Sometimes it comes and goes in a second. Sometimes it paralyzes your whole day.

I do know this: We will all one day experience it.

Sir Oliver, King of All Cats

My bear passed away peacefully yesterday, surrounded by those he loved best. A fighter and a lover, my boy was 21 and three-quarters (I counted) old. Oliver, you're amazing.

Lip Service West is tomorrow!

Check out the 411. Joe Clifford is a good guy and he's put together a hell of a show!

Adam and I went to see Why There Are Words tonight. Excellent! Peg Alford Pursell always puts on a great show as well. It was one of the best readings I've ever done back in April. I love performing!

Grateful

On Thursday, Aug. 5, I did something that scared me. Something that will change my life forever. Something I'll talk about sometime later, but that is not the point of this post.

The point is to thank Adam for being there for me, being my support, standing beside me and sometimes pushing me when I most need it. Thank you, baby. Thank you.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't know I was going to Chez Panisse!

Outside