Thursday, September 18, 2014

Still struggling with the second step

How's that for alliteration? The second step in any twelve-step program, OA included, is all about turning oneself over to a Higher Power to "restore us to sanity". I think I'm really having trouble with that wording. I don't consider myself insane and I don't think I ever was. Then again, what's the definition of insanity? A derangement of the mind. What does getting stoned in the middle of the night and eating a shitload of whatever (popcorn, popsicles, rice cakes, you name it) mean? Is that a derangement of the mind?

And the whole turning oneself over to a Higher Power? I'm having trouble with the Higher Power concept, even though a while back I thought it might be -- for me at any rate -- the whole Buddhist concept of Nirvana. I still identify more strongly with that idea than any idea of a god, though I'm not an atheist by any stretch. Maybe I'm just a bit of a control freak and I don't like the idea of surrender. Then again, maybe it's redefining the idea of surrender in order to work for me. I do feel that this program is a good fit for me. I go every week, skipping only the meetings I have to skip, because I do feel that it's part of my recovery.

Okay, here's a snippet from the Brown Book:

At this point most of us had trouble for one reason or another with step two. Some of us did not believe in God. We despaired of finding a solution to our problems if that meant we had to "find God." Some of us walked out of our first meeting when we heard that three-letter word mentioned and didn't return until  years more of compulsive eating had made us desperate. Those of us who stuck around made a wonderful discovery. OA doesn't tell us we have to believe in God -- only that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We are invited to define that Power however we wish and relate to it in whatever way works for us. OA only suggests that we remain open to spiritual growth and show tolerance for others by neither criticizing nor promoting religious doctrines in OA meetings.

So okay, there you go. Still, I just don't feel it in myself yet. I don't feel the ability or the willingness to give myself to a Higher Power. I can't move on to another step until (or if) I feel it.

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