Awakening Joy

I'm taking this course again. I really dig it. I'm not into the partner exercises -- never am -- but I went last night and woke up feeling great today. Adam gives me shit about my BuJu crap, but he can stick it.

Copyright Maya Blum Photography

Three years ago

True

And sometimes you close your eyes 
And see the place 
Where you used to live
When you were young

- The Killers

Observation

He doesn't follow directions well. He's your son, isn't he?

Preferences

My grandfather would have loved Daily Kos.

My grandmother would have been down for TMZ.

My aunt would have loved Pinterest.

All these people dead now, gone, long gone in fact. The thing in common is that I miss all of them so much and that I feel their presence sometimes when I'm least expecting it.

Crazy talk

I can't believe some of the shit I've written here as of late. Am I nuts?

Way too early

Baz has been up since God knows when. He's lying on my shoulder as I type this, gnashing his teeth. The noise is killing me. I love him. When will he go the fuck back to sleep?

This space intentionally left blank

There's so much I want to talk about and nothing I should actually put here.

Today

I enrolled Baz in kindergarten -- momentous! -- and then took him up to Davis to celebrate. We're not going to be able to do this as much, at least the way we do it now on Mondays and Thursdays when he's off.

I'm ready for it, though. God knows I'm ready for change.

Domestic?

Domesticity has been easier for me the last few days. I'm not quite sure why, though I have my suspicions. It's just been easier to be with my family, easier to do the stupid things that keep a house running. Interesting.

This bitch

Bubala Please

Because I'm up early and nervous about teaching a nearly-packed workshop, here's what I'm watching:

2011, Santa Cruz

I almost didn't recognize myself for a moment.

Writing Salon: A Voice of One's Own

There's still two more seats in my class this Saturday. Will you fill one of them?

Momentous

Frustrated

I really want 2020 to be the year I break through. While 2019 was great in many ways, I felt stagnant career-wise and it really pissed me off. I feel like I'm throwing my effort in the wrong directions, but am not sure of the right steps to take. Maybe it's just an issue of continuing to press forward, but I can't help thinking I need to somehow switch tactics.

Today's writing

She loved Gary. She’d crawled over nails to realize it, to truly internalize the truth, and with all her might and relief she believed she would never lose that understanding. She was full of crap, of course. When we share a life with someone we’re always in the process of losing and regaining, loosening and grasping. There is no getting away from that. It’s simple human nature.

Telling secrets

Rejection

Damn, they say the writing life is about rejection, and they mean that shit. I've been having a rough spell of a few months, not placing anything, not getting anything I apply for. And I mean anything. When is this going to end?

Today's writing

Hey.

Hey.

They stood there for a minute, irritated patrons pushing their way past them on the stairs. Normally she would get all red-faced and angry at herself for inconveniencing others, for making them maneuver around rather than minimizing herself in order to let people get by. Today she didn’t really give a shit. Today they didn’t even feel like they existed. Today she was different.

They stood like that in the awkward soup of accidental meeting, not knowing what to say or how to broach it. She tried to interpret how he looked at her – what was in his eyes, did he still care, had he ever cared – and found that she wasn’t much interested in the answer.

It was over. That much was clear. There were no phony promises of texting, calling, getting together. None of that. Whatever they had once been, now they were nothing.

Depression

I was in denial for a long time. I blamed it on all kinds of other things -- circumstance, stupid annoying things, the fact that Baz was off of school for two weeks and it was a hell of a lot of work.

Now I know: my old friend the black dog is back. And he's a loyal one. When I got the rejection from the NYT today, the tears slid down my face. It was like a gate was opened and something unleashed. I'm crying right now as I write this, trying to camouflage it from Baz. I remember my own mother crying when I was a kid, uncontrolled and with no boundaries, and it freaked me the fuck out. I won't do that to my kid.

I'm just sitting in a room, letting him watch Green Eggs and Ham on Netflix, banging away at the computer, feeling my feet crossed at the ankle, shivering from the cold coming in from the open door. But I can't close it. I need to face the world.

Warm NYT rejection

Guess it's better than nothing, huh?

Hi Allison,
Thanks for your patience as we've been sorting through a high volume of pitches. It's always a pleasure to read a unique point of view. We won't be able to use this piece at the moment, but I hope you'll continue to share ideas as they arise.

All the best,
Melonyce

Blah

While I'm down on myself, Facebook gives me this shot from four years ago. I'm usually not negative about myself or my looks, but today I feel like I was a fuckload cuter and younger back in the day.

Sick

I've been seriously under the weather the last few days. I took Bazzy into the city yesterday as a special thing for his last day of vacation and I think it blasted both of us. This morning I have work to do and I'm just hanging over it like -- can I go back to sleep? Maybe I should.

Stadium Pub, Walnut Creek

Not so much a realization as an understanding

I like myself. I always have. When I was 100 pounds heavier, when I didn't love pictures of myself or looking in a mirror -- two things I no longer mind -- I still liked the essence of who I was, who I am.

I have no regrets in this life. None. Everything I've done and experienced, all the missteps I've made -- and there are plenty -- have gotten me where I am today, and I like where I am, though you wouldn't know it by the fit I threw last night when I came back to bed and some dog had taken my place and I started hissing about I fucking hate you all, I'm leaving. 

I'll always be like that. I'll never be content. That's okay.

A long time ago Michael said your mistakes are cute. I get what he meant. I wasn't a drunk. My mother never feared picking up the phone to find out I was dead. I was, and in many ways still am, innocent. And I'm very, very okay with that.

My busy

New House Day School

Three years ago Bazzy started attending preschool at New House, which is the most amazing place not only for kids, but also for their families. At New House we've not only found an incredible foundation for our little dude, but also a community beyond our wildest dreams. Thank you to Mabel and crew for being just generally incredibly awesome.

Fuck date night

I always hated that concept. But there are times I'd kill for a damn date night. When you have a kid, your time with your partner -- the quality time where it's just the two of you -- is so compromised. Then when you go out, you wind up talking about the kid or kids because that's what's going on for you. I don't know, I just don't feel 100 percent around it all tonight.

Inside the Emotion of Fiction

I was lucky enough to be solicited for this series. Check it out!

Dear God

This essay just about made me lose it, especially because I'm sitting here with Baz next to me reading Curious George (which I hate, but that's a whole other post). I can't even describe it. You just have to read it.

Poem perfection

Art of Disappearing

When they say Don't I know you?
say no.

When they invite you to the party
remember what parties are like
before answering.
Someone telling you in a loud voice
they once wrote a poem.
Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate.
Then reply.

If they say We should get together
say why?

It's not that you don't love them anymore.
You're trying to remember something
too important to forget.
Trees. The monastery bell at twilight.
Tell them you have a new project.
It will never be finished.

When someone recognizes you in a grocery store
nod briefly and become a cabbage.
When someone you haven't seen in ten years
appears at the door,
don't start singing him all your new songs.
You will never catch up.

Walk around feeling like a leaf.
Know you could tumble any second.
Then decide what to do with your time.

Naomi Shihab Nye

First morning of 2020

Up before dawn the way I so often am these days, putting my mind in order and my perspective to work. I have one concrete goal for this year: to go on more regular walks. That's pretty much it. Everything else is on its way in some form or another. That's not a bad place to be, I think.