Depression

I was in denial for a long time. I blamed it on all kinds of other things -- circumstance, stupid annoying things, the fact that Baz was off of school for two weeks and it was a hell of a lot of work.

Now I know: my old friend the black dog is back. And he's a loyal one. When I got the rejection from the NYT today, the tears slid down my face. It was like a gate was opened and something unleashed. I'm crying right now as I write this, trying to camouflage it from Baz. I remember my own mother crying when I was a kid, uncontrolled and with no boundaries, and it freaked me the fuck out. I won't do that to my kid.

I'm just sitting in a room, letting him watch Green Eggs and Ham on Netflix, banging away at the computer, feeling my feet crossed at the ankle, shivering from the cold coming in from the open door. But I can't close it. I need to face the world.