If I was talking to my father

And if I told him I was on Wegovy, he'd probably tell me that I was an idiot. That GLP-1s are a fad. That all I need to do is cut down and get moving and the weight would fall off.

Well, fuck you, Dad.  You're the one, you and Mom, who didn't treat the Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia that causes obesity. Stick your (imagined) judgments. 

Just saying

If you friend-request me and your profile consists of selfies and self-attributed quotes, I'm gonna delete it. 

By the way

One day I will call you out so hard your fucking nose hairs will sting. You won't be expecting it either. That's the best part. 

2014, Oxnard Beach

 

2019

The bygone

Every day I look at Facebook Memories. This morning I'm watching a video of Jack and Maizie at Kiva Beach in Lake Tahoe. They truly are still with me. How could they not be?

Down 10 pounds

 Photo by the genius Gašper Beguš.

From AHOJ: Six Months in the Czech Republic

When I ran across the Velvet Revolution monument on Národní Street next to a department store, I blinked as though I’d encountered an alien who somehow was my twin. I got this plaque, which features nine outstretched bronze hands in a V for victory. Those hands seemed to be celebrating, yes, but also searching. I could relate, albeit in a tiny and entirely personal way, but still. Yes, I could relate.

Today's writing

I moved here to learn something. To learn things. To understand myself. What I came to realize is that something like that is not just something you embark on with intent. You can’t just flip a switch and say today I’m going to get to know the world and myself. That’s akin to saying I’m going to lose 50 pounds starting right fucking now. 

Change doesn’t work that way. We don’t so much decide upon it as it chooses us. All we can do is place ourselves in its way. Fortunately, change swept through Pardubice. I’m not going home a different person. That’s too neat, too clean, just too clear-cut. It’s the showered and shaved version of your lover, the person you go on the first date with. You want the rumpled, real-life edition. 

You want the truth. 

Maybe I wasn’t meant to fall in love with this place, with myself in it. Could be that I wasn’t set up to find the perfect person in this country, on this continent, in this wedge of time. Possibly this is the work of a lifetime, something I’m starting afresh every day of my life.

Barenaked Ladies, "It's All Been Done"

Alone and bored

On a 30th-century night

Will I see you 

On The Price is Right?

Will I cry

Will I smile

As you run down the aisle?

Vampire Weekend, "Harmony Hall"

We took a vow in summertime
Now we find ourselves in late December
I believe that New Year's Eve
Will be the perfect time for their great surrender
But they don't remember

Anger wants a voice
Voices wanna sing
Singers harmonize
'Til they can't hear anything
I thought that I was free
From all that questionin'
But every time a problem ends
Another one begins

And the stone walls of Harmony Hall bear witness
Anybody with a worried mind can never forgive the sight
Of wicked snakes inside a place you thought was dignified
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

Ooh
Ooh, doo
Ooh
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

Within the halls of power lies a nervous heart
That beats like a Young Pretender's
Beneath these velvet gloves I hide
The shameful crooked hands of a money lender
'Cause I still remember

Anger wants a voice
Voices wanna sing
Singers harmonize
'Til they can't hear anything
I thought that I was free
From all that questionin'
But every time a problem ends
Another one begins

And the stone walls of Harmony Hall bear witness
Anybody with a worried mind can never forgive the sight
Of wicked snakes inside a place you thought was dignified
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

Ooh
Ooh, doo
Ooh
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

And the stone walls of Harmony Hall bear witness
Anybody with a worried mind can never forgive the sight
Of wicked snakes inside a place you thought was dignified
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

Ooh
Ooh, doo
Ooh
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

And the stone walls of Harmony Hall bear witness
Anybody with a worried mind can never forgive the sight
Of wicked snakes inside a place you thought was dignified
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

I gotta say

I loved people before Adam. And not a single one of them was worth a damn in the end. 

Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

Done with it

No more people-pleasing. I'm so over it. 

Today's writing

There’s a certain feeling to knowing you’re wrong. It’s a hedging of sorts, a but-but-but. You’re constantly raising your hand mentally, offering up one excuse atop the next. Worst of all, the lies are mostly to yourself. You know you fucked up, man. Just own it. But you won’t.

Take Your Kid to Work Day

 

Today's writing

I’ve always been a hopeful cynic. That’s such an oxymoron, isn’t it? You’d think those two wouldn’t necessarily fit together, that they would somehow kick each other out of the room or at least have a good old-fashioned brawl beforehand. I could see it now: Hope negotiating while Cynic spits in her face. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Hope wouldn’t necessarily be a spitter; more like a sniffer. You think you know it all. Cynic, on the other hand, would probably be a crier. Not a bawler necessarily, more like a snuffler, one who tries and fails to hide it. 

So you see, contradictions. Not what you expect of them, but in a way that’s what we all come to expect. Cynic wins out a large percentage of the time, but not in every instance. Sometimes Hope takes the lead. Rare but delightful, Hope. That hand between the shoulder blades, the push when you need it most. Cynic is a joyous kick in the nuts. It doesn’t just sting, it fucking slays.

Closer