This is why he's perfect for me

ME: I should walk you on a goddamned leash.
ADAM: I should make you wear a goddamned muzzle.

When I think of New Hampshire

When I think of New Hampshire, I think shadows. I think shadows and colors that grew deeper, richer, by the day, ticking down the hour. I think of silences and rental cars. I remember loneliness, that sinister hum.

Every day is a series of minute awareness: Get up early, don't sleep in. Leave the house, don't stay on the computer too long. The little choices add up to mental health, but in the interim, you're dancing on a fine line.

Head meds

When I saw Carrie Fisher at the Berkeley Rep last year, I was very impressed with her candor about emotional struggles -- particularly dealing with bipolar disorder -- and her ups and downs with prescription medications.

I want to be just as frank about it. I've had a measure of both anxiety and depression throughout my life, and in the last year or so, I've tried treating it with medication.

Lexapro was the first. It drove me insane, made me suicidal. After a miserable few months, I got off it.

Then there was Zoloft. Helped with my emotional state, but the side effects sucked. After a while, I stopped taking it.

Lately it's been Zoloft and Wellbutrin. The side effects on this so far have been easier to handle, but still not exactly fun. Wellbutrin makes me manic, but I'm still getting used to an increased dosage. As my friend Andrea said: "Wait six weeks before freaking out." I'll do that.

What are my own mitzvot?

In class last night we were discussing mitzvot -- the 613 commandments found in the Torah. Rabbi Adar said: "It's a world full of pain. Our job as Jews is to heal up a little bit of that. ... It doesn't entirely fix it, but it's better than it was. It's not incumbent on you to finish the job, but it's inherent on you to start."

So what are my mitzvot?

1) Honesty. By being candid, I hope to let others know they're not alone in this world, and that they can count on understanding and empathy from others.
2) Taking care of those I love. Being there for them, watching over them if need be, pushing them when necessary.
3) Using my talent(s).
4) Pushing myself to that next level. Never being satisfied with the status quo. Working to make my little corner of the world better.

I'm sure there's more, but that's a start for now.

Today's writing

Why the anger? Why the fury at anyone whose parents aren’t complete Charles Manson clones? I didn’t grow up in goddamned Mombasa, for Christ’s sake, born to parents who whored me out for a Kenyan nickel.

Get-up-and-go

I drove down to Palo Alto today on a whim, had lunch, got a coffee, and then turned around and headed home. It felt good to strike out on the road. It's been a while since I did that by myself. Even though the Dumbarton Bridge was windy as hell and my car was wiggling all over the lanes, I'd do it again in a second.

Making headway on The Project. It's slow, yes, but steady. I think it's good work.