In pictures

When I was a kid, I used to scrutinize pictures of my parents. I wanted to find a shred of happiness, of love, of joy. When I look at pictures of Adam and I, I know that Poppy won't have to search that hard to find all those things and more.

Poppy, 32 weeks

The hard things to see

Being into animal rescue, I see all kinds of bad shit come down the pike on Facebook and elsewhere. I look into the eyes of these dogs and cats and want to run to their sides. I've always wanted to save them all. My inability to do so kills me each day.

Just wrote this

Then there was the ultrasound. We hadn’t expected it to be part of the first doctor’s appointment, but exactly what about this situation did we expect? The whole appointment was a circus. We waited an hour at the East Bay Women’s Center before our doctor breezed in. She was cool, though. She wore dreads. She spoke in a low tone and we had to lean forward in order to hear her. She took my history, did a pelvic exam. Then she said: “Want to see the baby?”

Inside my mouth I could feel my tongue dry up, turn into a crumpled and atrophied thing. To say yes opened up so many possibilities I couldn’t and didn’t want to fathom. To say no just seemed rude. In the end I chose my own weird version of etiquette.

“Sure,” I said, and could almost hear Adam grit his teeth beside me. I ignored it. In that instant I realized that I wanted to see what – who – I was carrying. I needed to know what that creature looked like, to observe whatever features I might be able to make out. This was – for now, at least – my child.

My child. When exactly does one become a mother? Does it happen at the moment of conception, before the awareness even settles and is recognized? The first time you see the changes in your body, feel the creature move within you? When he or she finally emerges, goo-covered and screaming?

When does the universe christen you a parent?

Have Love Will Travel

This song was big in 2002, the year I fell in love with Adam. Every so often I go on a jag where I play it over and over. The lines that get me the most: And when all of this is over/should I lose you in the smoke/I want you to know/you were the one. Every time.

From NOT THE MADONNA

I place my hand on my stomach. I find myself doing this more and more, much to Adam’s amusement. He’s always said I was going to wind up being that person who rubs her pregnant belly, much as I deride the mothers who I see doing it. I always said that wouldn’t happen. As with most things, I’ve been proven to be full of shit. But I’m not really rubbing and I’m not feeling happily complacent the way most of these women seem to be. It’s more of an odd clash without conflict, reassurance without fulfillment. It’s a coming-together of sorts, but of what sorts I have yet to determine. 

Shit just got real

We got a stroller. Actually, a stroller and car-seat combination, if you must know. I poured Adam a glass of wine and he set it up. Then we tested it out. Then we laughed our asses off.