Monday, July 6, 2009

Getting ready

We had a wonderful party yesterday, with friends and tons of food and laughter, so much laughter my stomach aches just thinking about it. At one point I wound up rolling around on the couch laughing as Carl kept insisting that "Even my father loves my (meat)balls!"

Who'd have guessed that I woke up with a panic attack at 6 that morning?

I'm so outgoing and bombastic that it sometimes hides my social anxiety. I've got it, though. I felt as though all I wanted to do was hide out with Adam and Oliver ... and no one else.

Eventually I found myself crying. Oh shit. I'm also scared about going to Kimmel Harding.

New environment, new people, expectations. 92-degree heat with 1600 percent humidity. And I'm going to be away from the people I love for two weeks.

It's not that I was braver in the past. It's that I didn't admit this shit. I do now.

5 comments:

Sean Craven said...

Allison, the better I know you, the more I feel we have in common. The thing where everyone around you assumes that you're brash and confident while inside you're a delicate hothouse flower?

That would be me.

I hope you take some comfort in the fact that your sham confidence has inspired me to try and be bolder.

Listen: My creed rotates around the dissonance between 'fake it til you make it,' and 'always plead guilty.'

Allison Landa said...

I wouldn't call it sham confidence. I'm a pretty damn confident person -- I like myself, always have.

That said, I understand that the outside does not always betray the inside. I find strength in copping to that fact.

-W said...

I think your fear is entirely natural... I'd be scared shitless myself. But you know the people who love you will love you the entire time you're away, and you're going to grow from the experience, too -- somehow, some way. Bravo to you for taking the leap.

Happy Chandler said...

I'm lucky that I get to see every side of you. And I'll be there through the whole thing. You have kicked ass at whatever life has thrown at you, and I know you'll keep doing it.

Allison Landa said...

Too kind, gentlemen, too kind. And I appreciate it!