Wednesday, August 5, 2009

More than a feeling

I came home from writing group craving an apple fritter. Draw your own conclusions from that.

Now with half the fritter and some reheated meatloaf under my belt, I'm thinking about a feeling I had earlier tonight. I felt reckless -- in a good way.

"When was the last time you felt that way?" Adam asked.

"Before we got into a relationship," I said.

That doesn't at all mean I don't feel spontaneous with him, excited about life, thrilled to be alive. But before I had the grounding of the relationship and the impetus to take more caution in my life -- everything from health to finance to making sure I do justice to my marriage -- life took me places I never predicted. Not until I was there. Seamless and straightforward.

It's how all the major events in my life have gone down: deciding to buy my first car at 20, choosing to move to Nebraska and then to the Bay Area, trips to Europe when I could barely afford to pay rent.

Hell, it's even how I fell in love with Adam. It felt like a curtain was being pulled back day by day until the full fact of my feelings were revealed. Every time we went out together it was an exercise in recklessness, in can-I? Can-we?

I'm not interested in living like that any more -- the life on the edge, the not-knowing. But it sure was fun connecting to it again, and saying hi to that old intimate friend.

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