This post wasn't inspired by any one thing, in case you were wondering.

I've become much better about not worrying what others are thinking. I used to tiptoe (though it may not have seemed like it) to not hurt feelings and, in turn, not get my feelings hurt.

I'm a bigger girl now (in only some ways, thank goodness) and I realize that the stuff of life is sometimes hurting, sometimes getting hurt. I now seek to protect only the ones I care most about -- the ones who are worth the effort.

So damn happy

Me and my girl, part two

Thinking about Oliver

So many people I know are hurting because their animals have recently passed away or are in pain. Yesterday I cried on the phone with one of them. There is nothing to say to make it any different or likely to make it any better. I can only be there for them.

Santa Cruz

The vanity continues

Definitely getting thinner. It's a difficult process but one that's really interesting to observe -- even if I'm just observing myself. Sometimes I'm really frustrated -- with the weight-loss effort as well as the constraints of the lap band. There are certain foods you're not supposed to eat -- bread, rice, pasta -- and I've cheated with all of them. Trust me when I say there are bad effects as a result. But I continue to bend the rules, which is my wont, and I'm now just about 32 pounds down, so I'm doing something right.

Working out has a lot to do with it. I've been working out for the better part of a decade, so this isn't really a part of my life that had to change substantially. However, after the surgery I've been even more committed to exercise, whether it's the gym or walking the lake or just making sure I get moving in some way or another.

I'd be lying if I said at least some of the satisfaction wasn't cosmetic, just like when I got laser hair removal. Guys smile at me on the street. And damn it, I like that.

Getting thinner

Talismans

Adam and I always say to each other: "Drive safe." (Or walk safe, or bike safe.) I always tell the dogs to be good. I always said to Oliver "Mama loves you." (Yes, you can throw up a little bit now.) I still say it to him, actually.

I'm not sure if I expect these things to protect us or if they're rote. Probably more the former, actually.

Photos

It's been a while since I posted a bunch of photos. That's because it's been a while since I've taken a bunch of photos. I'm back to it. It feels good. It feels like the ice is breaking. I'm thawing. It is a new year, new weather, new possibilities. Welcome to the Mission.

Chill up my spine

A good friend and I were talking about marriage. He related a story that I won't share here, but it just made me think about my own marriage and how much it means to me.

I don't take it for granted. Never did and hopefully never will. I love my baby and that love grows every day. Rock on, FFF!

I found myself writing this just now:

It’s been a process, that’s for sure. When we first got together, I was the worst sulker on the planet. I would keep things to myself and pout the entire time, hoping he would guess what put me in a funk. I know you know Adam well enough to figure out how that trick worked – ie., it didn’t. For his part, he needed to sharpen his communication skills and be able to express what was on his mind. He’s articulate in his head and yet he’s had to learn how to put those feelings into words. I admire the hell out of how much he’s grown over time.

Mostly I just feel grateful for sharing a life with him. I fell in love with him so quickly, far more quickly than I’d ever expected. And we fight – oh boy, do we sometimes! – but those fights have grown more and more productive. I’ve never had such pure feelings or intentions toward someone before. He is worth it!

Just the Way You Are

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take 'till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you, and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

- Billy Joel

Adam made me cut this

She looks at me. Really looks at me, her eyes sweeping my face from my forehead to the tip of my chin and back again. For some reason I think of mathematics: adding, subtracting, multiplying, dividing. I think about simple equations that solve a problem. I consider statistics, that means of collecting and interpreting data. A pursuit of surveys and experiments, a science but also an art.

Missy interrupts my metaphorical musing.

Today's writing

Swimming lessons. Age six, the backyard of a home on a street called Salmon River Road. A boy who painted his toes just because, the laughter childish and slightly derisive, the flush of his cheeks. A bathing suit that fits too tightly, the pull of lycra atop the skin.

The lesson: Diving. Holding your breath, taking that leap. Just go.

Watching the Wheels

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin
When I say that I'm o.k. well they look at me kind of strange
Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game

People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away
Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me
When I tell them that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall
Don't you miss the big time boy you're no longer on the ball

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go

Ah, people asking questions lost in confusion
Well I tell them there's no problem, only solutions
Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind
I tell them there's no hurry
I'm just sitting here doing time

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go 

- John Lennon

Inspiration

Every time I hear a song I love, read an incredible book, look at a great photo, see a terrific play, I realize how essential the arts are. It also gives me so much motivation to do what I do! But it's weird -- I don't need motivation. I just have it. I'm so passionate about writing and that has never changed. It's one of the best damn things in my life and I hope it will always be.

Me and my girl

What a Fool Believes

A Mercury Monarch, a backseat shared with a brother. A new coast, a new life. I am four years old and am just learning how it all works. I'm learning from the backseat, but I'm working my way to the front.

RIP, Gerry

You know I need your love
You've got that hold over me
Long as I've got your love
You know that I'll never leave
When I wanted you to share my life
I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you woman
Right down the line

I know how much I lean on you
Only you can see
The changes that I've been through
Have left a mark on me
You've been as constant as a Northern Star
The brightest light that shines
It's been you woman right down the line

I just wanna say this is my way
Of tellin' you everything
I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of tellin' you
That every day I'm lovin' you so much more
'Cause you believed in me through my darkest night
Put somethin' better inside of me
You brought me into the light
Threw away all those crazy dreams
I put them all behind
And it was you woman
Right down the line

I just wanna say this is my way of tellin' you everything
I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of tellin' you
Everything I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of tellin' you
That every day I'm lovin' you so much more

If I should doubt myself, if I'm losing ground
I won't turn to someone else
They'd only let me down
When I wanted you to share my life
I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you woman
Right down the line 

- Gerry Rafferty

Behind the Wall

I grew up watching my dad beat my mom. It came and went. There was no real way to predict it. And when I grew up, I had to learn to control my own temper and moments of violence. I'm still learning.


Last night I heard the screaming
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police
Always come late hey
If they come at all

Last night I heard the screaming
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police
Always come late hey
If they come at all

And when they arrive
They say they can't interfere
With domestic affairs
Between a man and his wife
And as they walk out the door
The tears well up in her eyes

Last night I heard the screaming
Then a silence that chilled my soul
Prayed that I was dreaming
When I saw the ambulance in the road

And the policeman said
"I'm here to keep the peace
Will the crowd disperse
I think we all could use some sleep"

Last night I heard the screaming
Loud voices behind the wall
Another sleepless night for me
It won't do no good to call
The police
Always come late hey
If they come at all

- Tracy Chapman

Rod Stewart, "You're in My Heart"

You're in my heart
You're in my soul
You'll be my breath
Til I grow old

Joshua Ferris, "The Unnamed"

They say it takes a long time to really get to know somebody. They say a good marriage requires work. They say it's important to change alongside your partner to avoid growing apart. They talk about patience, sacrifice, compromise, tolerance. It seems the goal of these bearers of conventional wisdom is to get back to zero. They would have you underwater, tethered by chains to the bow of a ship full of treasure now sunk, struggling to free yourself to make it to the surface. With luck he will free himself, too, and then you can bob along together, scanning the horizon for some hint of land. They say boredom sets in, passion dissipates, idiosyncrasies start to grate, and the same problems repeat themselves. Why do you do it? Security, family, companionship. Ideally you do it for love. There's something they don't elaborate on. They just say the word and you're supposed to know what it means, and after twenty years of marriage, you are held up as exemplars of that simple foundation, love, upon which (with sweeping arms) all this is built. But don't let appearances fool you. That couple with twenty years still fights, they still go to bed angry, they still let days pass without --

The trouble with these cheap bromides, she thought, is that they don't capture the half of it.

Sustainable love

Tara Parker-Pope writes in the New York Times that relationships broaden the way one looks at oneself. I know that's true for me. Loving Adam means that I have to look at myself every day and not always in flattering ways. I've come to understand so much about myself through our relationship, and I hope that I'm a better person for it.

It's a good read.

Don't Stop Believin'

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feeling
Streetlight people
Oh-oh-woah

Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Streetlight people
Oh-oh-Woah


[Instrumental Interlude]

Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere

A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night

Workin' hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win
Some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlights, people
Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Streetlights, people

- Journey (yes, I think I've posted this before)

Break on Through (to the Other Side)

You know the day destroys the night
Night divides the day
Tried to run
Tried to hide
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side, yeah

We chased our pleasures here
Dug our treasures there
But can you still recall
The time we cried
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side


Yeah!
C'mon, yeah


Everybody loves my baby
Everybody loves my baby
She get
She get
She get
She get high


I found an island in your arms



Country in your eyes
Arms that chain us
Eyes that lie
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side
Break on through, oww!
Oh, yeah!


Made the scene
Week to week
Day to day
Hour to hour
The gate is straight
Deep and wide
Break on through to the other side
Break on through to the other side
Break on through
Break on through
Break on through
Break on through
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah


- The Doors

My one New Year's resolution

I want to live life more in line with who I am. I feel that I lost something of myself in 2010 -- maybe lost is the wrong word. Misplaced. I misplaced myself. I'm there under the Must Dos and Prepare for the Futures. I'm there, waving and smiling. I know it's time to re-emerge.

I know I'm being vague. There are reasons for that. They say discretion is the better part of valor, or something like that. I'm not even really sure what that means. Does it mean you should keep honesty tucked deep down below?

I feel like a coward for not just saying what's on my mind. I haven't been able to here and that really gets under my skin. I've always been able to be honest on the blog, and I haven't been lately. That's why I haven't been writing a lot -- what is there to say if I can't talk about what's going on? What's really going on?

That is a question, isn't it? And I'm dancing around the answer. I'm dancing hard, I'm dancing fast. Eventually I will stop and spill. And I will be so much better for it.