Thanksgiving 2025

 

Empty Boat Mindful Parenting Class

This three-session class taught by Will Kabat-Zinn and Teresa LaMendola Kabat-Zinn reduced me to tears today. Good tears. Necessary ones. 

Santa Fe Writers Project

I'm on the longlist!

2025, Escondido

 

Sitting outside a drive-thru coffee bar in Escondido, listening to random piped-in music, grateful for all the random shit. As one does.

2013, Silver Lake

 

2017, Bookshop Santa Cruz

 

In another life

Adam and I stood by my car. "It's not feeling well," I said. "Something's wrong."

"It's okay," he said. "You'll take care of it."

"Yes," I said, "but I wish I had someone to help me."

My two rules for Baz

Don't be a dick.

Not to yourself.

Not to anyone else.

That should cover a lot of ground.

From my new project

They call her Cassie Lee. Of course, she doesn’t know that’s her name now. She only knows the way the place awakens the senses, causing them to cringe: acrid scent of cleanser, spiked barks of her fellow cellmates, shameful sting of her own waste, which she couldn’t help but let go. It was less about fear and more about lack of opportunity. She has no idea when she’s going to be outside next. 

They brought her in on a catchpole. There was no real need. She is beyond the days of fight; she has not yet reached the point of resignation but it is on the horizon. They may have done it because she is a pit mix; she’s not sure. She only knows that one minute the streets were beneath her paws and the next she was sliding on a cold kennel floor. 

Silence. She is craving it though she does not yet know it. Where she used to live she had long stretches – not necessarily of silence per se but of that brand of quiet that is made of a variety of noise: birdsong, footsteps, voices both distant and not-so. It is that melding, that togetherness of sound, that makes a life, defines a home. It underscores so much of what we know ourselves to be, both jointly and separately when it comes to what lives around us. The quality of the world, of ourselves within it.

All gone, Cassie Lee thinks in a moment of realization. To a dog, if something is not there, then it has never existed. But not to Cassie Lee, who perhaps is something more than just your average mutt. She understands the nature of passage, of what was and what may eventually come to be. She gets it, which is something you may say of an average dog as well. Dogs get it in ways that other creatures do not. That is what made them the mainstay of companionability with man and even with other species as well. This is what makes them better than human.

East Bay Jewish Writing Circle: Oct. 27!

I'll be facilitating. Join us!

Yesterday

 

From Conflagration

When I took the pregnancy test that told me Jax was a thing, I was praying to some sort of nonsectarian god, an equal-opportunity deity, but what I wanted was almost beyond me. It was the very act of emotionally kneeling, of hoping. In a way you always want these tests to be positive, two lines moving your life in a new direction when God knows you can’t do it yourself.

Mindfulness Cards

It may seem counterintuitive to pay attention to uncomfortable sensations, but doing so can be liberating. Our natural first reaction when we feel something uncomfortable -- like muscle tension, or a slight headache, or a difficult emotion -- is to get rid of it immediately, either by moving our attention elsewhere or by trying to fix the problem. But when we decide to meet the uncomfortable area in an open, relaxed way, we can build our composure and even find that what we we thought was uncomfortable becomes totally tolerable. Next time a twinge of discomfort arises, try giving it 2 minutes of your nonjudgmental awareness. Just sit with it, noticing the sensation, and breathing through it. Please only do this when it feels safe and never intentionally create difficult sensations for this exercise.

Editing Conflagration

Man, this is hard. I want to take an axe to it -- it's what I'm used to. But what I need to do requires a scalpel. Delicate work that in cooking competitions would require tweezers. That's hard.

Break it down. Break it down.

"Mindfulness Cards: Simple Practices for Everyday Life"

Posture is important. The physical shape with which we meet the world can have a big impact on how we feel and how we act. Nothing embodies the ideals of mindfulness better than the combination of a straight back and a soft belly. The straight back encourages alertness and brightness, and the soft belly fosters a sense of relaxation and openness. Practice this position by bringing your attention to your posture several times a day -- when you're brushing your teeth or waiting for a bus. Notice how mindful posture impacts how you meet whatever comes your way.

Children's Museum of Sonoma County

 

Love

 

20 pounds down

 

More AHOJ

Teaching. You’re learning, and not for the last time, that it’s a skill you’ll always hone. There is never going to be a time when you say I’m done, I’ve learned what I need to learn, nothing more to try. The best things are that way. Not that you’ll always love teaching; it’s a little too much like caretaking, to be honest. But here’s the thing: you’re good at it. You reflexively understand the most vital elements: taking the temperature of the group, realizing what needs to be addressed, dropping the parts that don’t matter. Sometimes you just tear up the lesson plan and go to it. Sometimes you take a moment to pause and reflect. They’ll stay with you. Trust that.

From AHOJ

Marie laughs. A second later she’s gone. What’s with the kids vaporizing today? I glance at my colleagues, but they don’t seem to notice anything amiss. That’s culture shock in a nutshell, friends. That’s the everyday what-the-fuck of living in a place that isn’t simply foreign geographically, but also to one’s heart, soul, and mentality. Prepare to spend more time than you might have imagined shaking your head.

Nappy Roots, "Good Day"

 Let's begin now

You know today I just woke up and I said
You know instead of waitin' on a good day
Waitin' around through ups and downs waitin'
On something to happen I just say

We're gonna have
We're gonna have
We're gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Hey
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
'Cause ain't nobody gonna die today
Save that drama for another day
Hey, we're gonna have a good day

Hairline fresh, new cologne on
Feelin' so good changed the color to my phone
Orange Kool-Aid go good with Patron
A naw hell naw boy still my ring tones
Free car wash had to clean up the Dodge
Get back when I can just playin' my part

Church folk had a fish fry
Mustard, hot sauce, light bread, and french fries
Love for the big guy
Hit the park, boys showin' off their hops
Nappy Roots on the radio and you know it bops
Last night I hit the pick tree bought some Air Force Ones
Four tall tees, man I love the B.G.

We're gonna have
We're gonna have
We're gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Hey
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
'Cause ain't nobody gonna die today
Save that drama for another day
Hey, we're gonna have a good day

We're gonna have a good day
And I finna worry 'bout what nobody say
I'm still above ground that's the reason I pray
Got my car cleaned up now I'm ready to play
Make call to the sticks say I'm headin' dat way
Heard my cousin cookin' out I gotta get me a plate
Got this new outfit ain't even out in the states

So if I ain't speakin' too soon but this is a hell of a day
And the sticky got me sittin' in a hell of a place
Got my stunna shades on and grin on my face
My grill looks mean but I swear I'm straight
And the hood showin' love so I'm A-OK

We're gonna have
We're gonna have
We're gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Hey
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
'Cause ain't nobody gonna die today
Save that drama for another day
Hey, we're gonna have a good day

We might as well do exactly what the children sayin'
Take a day off hit park and just hang
Barbecue, roll a few, and put up your deuce
If it's beef put down the peace up and put on your dukes
It's time to change our ways
So we can save the day
For the children's sake and make a better place to play

And if it's all good break out your click and grip your wood
And if you ridin' dirty just light your swift and blow your s-
But do it real big exactly like a player should
Enjoy your 24's do your thang and rep your hood
The world is all yours
But still we all bound forever
In a day the choice you make is really all fine

We're gonna have
We're gonna have
We're gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Hey
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
'Cause ain't nobody gonna die today
Save that drama for another day
Hey, we're gonna have a good day

And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Hey
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
'Cause ain't nobody gonna die today
You can save that drama for another day
Hey, we're gonna have a good day

Read to a Dog, Claremont Library, September 2025

 

A dream fulfilled

I was going through my emails from late January and early February 2015. Shock receding into thrill. I was unexpectedly pregnant. A dream fulfilled.

I realize now -- and have for a long time, actually -- that I would have done anything to keep him. Adam wasn't sure that he was okay with it. I thought, well, then I'll leave. And I was -- and remain -- as in love as I ever was. 

It's so hard to have perspective on parenthood because it's always up in your face. Like yesterday, when we were at the library trying to convince him to do his homework. I walked away several times to "check the new books" -- but really just to recover my equanimity. 

Moments like this, early enough that he hasn't woken up yet to watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid before school, are when I understand the massiveness -- and the love -- of this undertaking.

Adam aping Baz

 

Ten years ago

 

We got to see Anthony!

 

New York City, December 2024

 

Dogs

I was just watching Yosh and thinking how we need to let dogs settle into their own quirks and let themselves be known to us. He is his own dude for sure. He can get excitable, but he can also be super chill. We've had him for two years now on Sept. 30, and still I'm learning more about him every day, trying not to conflate him with his fellow four-footers who came before. Heart you, kid.

Anger

Baz told us he'd gotten a "wood thing" stuck in his ear. 

After he left the room, I pounded the couch. "What the fuck? He barely tells me anything, now this?"

"He's 10," Adam said. "It's what they do."

Times Square, December 2024

 

Two years

 

At 5 a.m. on Sept. 23, 2023, my Maizie awoke. Something wasn't right. We knew that was going to be the day.

Four hours later, she died in Adam's arms.

This was my soul doggie. There is no second-guessing that. That doesn't mean I don't love my other dogs just as much. 

It just means that Maizie, my Little Miss, my Little Girl, got me in an entirely different way.

Camp Loma Mar, 2024

 

Everything about this picture grabs me: the way he's smiling straight into the camera, the way he's done his whole life; the beautiful eyes, the dirty little knee. There are not words to tell you how much I love being his mother, how much I appreciate and value it to the damn moon and right back again. 

2015

 

Love him so much

 

Solano Stroll

 

I want to knit you a sweater
I want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel free
I want to make you feel free

Barenaked Ladies, "One Week"

I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve

I have a history of taking off my shirt

Wegovy Week Whatever

Down 10 pounds, able to pass up the Pumpkin Joe-Joes at TJs. I'm liking this. 

Thinking about my mom

By the time I had Baz, she was too far into dementia to show much interest. But I swear to fucking God, there are times I go to pick up my phone to get advice from her. She's not taking calls, unfortunately. 

From Ahoj once again

I have, it seems, roughly the sense of a rutabaga when it comes to romantic connection.

Still more Ahoj

We get on the train. Ukončete, prosím, výstup a nástup, dveře se zavírají! Please finish getting on and off, the doors are closing. We are spinning in a circle of our own making. We are two people who don’t particularly like one another – that much is becoming clear – but still. There is that draw.
 
Is that enough?

More Ahoj

My father is talking about something. I’m not really listening. It’s the same old song of my childhood, the typical momentum of his conversation for as long as I’ve known him.

He’s talking about himself. If that meant he was opening to me, revealing something meaningful, that would be different. But he’s talking about the same shit he always discusses, stuff that feels like it doesn’t matter in the long run, the kind of conversation you might find at some incredibly dull happy hour. It’s not so much what he’s saying as it is the way he says it; fascinated and trying to telegraph it, as if I’m expected to be as taken with his words as he is.
 
I want my father to ask about my experience in Pardubice, to question what I’m doing there, maybe even to challenge it just a little bit. I could handle that. What I can’t handle is his arrogant insistence on speaking only, only about himself.
 
Children rely on their parents to care, to show interest.
 
At heart we are all children.

Tori Amos, "Silent All These Years"

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the antichrist in the kitchen yelling at me again
Yeah, I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
Got something to say, you know, but nothing comes
Yes, I know what you think of me, you never should've
Yeah, I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and it's been here
Silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you?
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone?
I got 25 bucks and a cracker, do you think it's enough
To get us there?

'Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and it's been here
Silent all these

Years go by
Will I still, will I still be here waiting to understand?
Years go by
If I'm stripped, if I'm stripped of my beauty
And the clouds raining in my head
Years go by
Will I choke 'til finally there's nothing left?
One more casualty, you know we're too easy, easy, easy

Well, I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby, don't look up, the sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody looking at you, here, take hold of my hand
Yeah, I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of yours
With her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice, I hear my voice
I hear my voice and it's been here
Silent all these years

I've been here
Silent all these years
Silent all these
Silent all these years

Joni Mitchell, "California"

Sitting in a park in Paris France

Reading the news and it sure looks bad

They won't give peace a chance
That was just a dream some of us had
Still a lot of lands to see
But I wouldn't want to stay here
It's too old and cold and settled in its ways here
Oh but California

California I'm coming home
I'm going to see the folks I dig
I'll even kiss a Sunset pig
California I'm coming home

I met a redneck on a Grecian isle
Who did the goat dance very well
He gave me back my smile
But he kept my camera to sell
Oh the rogue the red red rogue
He cooked good omelettes and stews
And I might have stayed on with him there
But my heart cried out for you California

Oh California I'm coming home
Oh make me feel good rock 'n' roll band
I'm your biggest fan
California I'm coming home

Oh it gets so lonely
When you're walking
And the streets are full of strangers
All the news of home you read
Just gives you the blues
Just gives you the blues
So I bought me a ticket
I caught a plane to Spain
Went to a party down a red dirt road
There were lots of pretty people there
Reading Rolling Stone reading Vogue
They said "How long can you hang around?"
I said a week maybe two
Just until my skin turns brown
Then I'm going home to California

California I'm coming home
Oh will you take me as I am
Strung out on another man
California I'm coming home

Oh it gets so lonely
When you're walking
And the streets are full of strangers
All the news of home you read
More about the war
And the bloody changes
Oh will you take me as I am?
Will you take me as I am?
Will you?

Two years ago

I saw my mother alive for the last time.

In that moment my world cleaved into two: before and after. Those who were with me in both are the ones who matter most.

From Ahoj

Totalitarian rule feels so quaint, so essentially European. It’s part of the history books, not something that’s real. Or at least, not real for me as an American. It belongs here, with the castles and the cobblestones that cause my backpack’s wheels to clack. Here, where I have no ties and no commitments, where I can flee at a moment’s notice if need be.

If I was talking to my father

And if I told him I was on Wegovy, he'd probably tell me that I was an idiot. That GLP-1s are a fad. That all I need to do is cut down and get moving and the weight would fall off.

Well, fuck you, Dad.  You're the one, you and Mom, who didn't treat the Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia that causes obesity. Stick your (imagined) judgments. 

Just saying

If you friend-request me and your profile consists of selfies and self-attributed quotes, I'm gonna delete it. 

By the way

One day I will call you out so hard your fucking nose hairs will sting. You won't be expecting it either. That's the best part. 

2014, Oxnard Beach

 

2019

The bygone

Every day I look at Facebook Memories. This morning I'm watching a video of Jack and Maizie at Kiva Beach in Lake Tahoe. They truly are still with me. How could they not be?

Down 10 pounds

 Photo by the genius Gašper Beguš.

From AHOJ: Six Months in the Czech Republic

When I ran across the Velvet Revolution monument on Národní Street next to a department store, I blinked as though I’d encountered an alien who somehow was my twin. I got this plaque, which features nine outstretched bronze hands in a V for victory. Those hands seemed to be celebrating, yes, but also searching. I could relate, albeit in a tiny and entirely personal way, but still. Yes, I could relate.

Today's writing

I moved here to learn something. To learn things. To understand myself. What I came to realize is that something like that is not just something you embark on with intent. You can’t just flip a switch and say today I’m going to get to know the world and myself. That’s akin to saying I’m going to lose 50 pounds starting right fucking now. 

Change doesn’t work that way. We don’t so much decide upon it as it chooses us. All we can do is place ourselves in its way. Fortunately, change swept through Pardubice. I’m not going home a different person. That’s too neat, too clean, just too clear-cut. It’s the showered and shaved version of your lover, the person you go on the first date with. You want the rumpled, real-life edition. 

You want the truth. 

Maybe I wasn’t meant to fall in love with this place, with myself in it. Could be that I wasn’t set up to find the perfect person in this country, on this continent, in this wedge of time. Possibly this is the work of a lifetime, something I’m starting afresh every day of my life.

Barenaked Ladies, "It's All Been Done"

Alone and bored

On a 30th-century night

Will I see you 

On The Price is Right?

Will I cry

Will I smile

As you run down the aisle?

Vampire Weekend, "Harmony Hall"

We took a vow in summertime
Now we find ourselves in late December
I believe that New Year's Eve
Will be the perfect time for their great surrender
But they don't remember

Anger wants a voice
Voices wanna sing
Singers harmonize
'Til they can't hear anything
I thought that I was free
From all that questionin'
But every time a problem ends
Another one begins

And the stone walls of Harmony Hall bear witness
Anybody with a worried mind can never forgive the sight
Of wicked snakes inside a place you thought was dignified
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

Ooh
Ooh, doo
Ooh
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

Within the halls of power lies a nervous heart
That beats like a Young Pretender's
Beneath these velvet gloves I hide
The shameful crooked hands of a money lender
'Cause I still remember

Anger wants a voice
Voices wanna sing
Singers harmonize
'Til they can't hear anything
I thought that I was free
From all that questionin'
But every time a problem ends
Another one begins

And the stone walls of Harmony Hall bear witness
Anybody with a worried mind can never forgive the sight
Of wicked snakes inside a place you thought was dignified
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

Ooh
Ooh, doo
Ooh
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

And the stone walls of Harmony Hall bear witness
Anybody with a worried mind can never forgive the sight
Of wicked snakes inside a place you thought was dignified
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

Ooh
Ooh, doo
Ooh
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

And the stone walls of Harmony Hall bear witness
Anybody with a worried mind can never forgive the sight
Of wicked snakes inside a place you thought was dignified
I don't wanna live like this
But I don't wanna die

I gotta say

I loved people before Adam. And not a single one of them was worth a damn in the end. 

Jon Kabat-Zinn

 

Done with it

No more people-pleasing. I'm so over it. 

Today's writing

There’s a certain feeling to knowing you’re wrong. It’s a hedging of sorts, a but-but-but. You’re constantly raising your hand mentally, offering up one excuse atop the next. Worst of all, the lies are mostly to yourself. You know you fucked up, man. Just own it. But you won’t.

Take Your Kid to Work Day

 

Today's writing

I’ve always been a hopeful cynic. That’s such an oxymoron, isn’t it? You’d think those two wouldn’t necessarily fit together, that they would somehow kick each other out of the room or at least have a good old-fashioned brawl beforehand. I could see it now: Hope negotiating while Cynic spits in her face. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Hope wouldn’t necessarily be a spitter; more like a sniffer. You think you know it all. Cynic, on the other hand, would probably be a crier. Not a bawler necessarily, more like a snuffler, one who tries and fails to hide it. 

So you see, contradictions. Not what you expect of them, but in a way that’s what we all come to expect. Cynic wins out a large percentage of the time, but not in every instance. Sometimes Hope takes the lead. Rare but delightful, Hope. That hand between the shoulder blades, the push when you need it most. Cynic is a joyous kick in the nuts. It doesn’t just sting, it fucking slays.

Closer

 

He comes home today

10 days at camp. Damn, I've missed him.

Paul Simon, "Graceland"

 The Mississippi Delta was shining like a national guitar

I am following the river down the highway through the cradle of the civil war

I'm going to Graceland, Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee
I'm going to Graceland
Poor boys and pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland
My traveling companion is nine years old
He is the child of my first marriage
But I've reason to believe we both will be received in Graceland

She comes back to tell me she's gone
As if I didn't know that
As if I didn't know my own bed
As if I'd never noticed the way she brushed her hair from her forehead
And she said, "Losing love is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow"

I'm going to Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee
I'm going to Graceland
Poor boys and pilgrims with families
And we are going to Graceland
And my traveling companions are ghosts and empty sockets
I'm looking at ghosts and empties
But I've reason to believe we all will be received in Graceland

There is a girl in New York City who calls herself the human trampoline
And sometimes when I'm falling, flying or tumbling in turmoil I say
"Whoa, so this is what she means"
She means we're bouncing in the Graceland
And I see losing love is like a window in your heart
Well, everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody feels the wind blow
Ooh, ooh, ooh

In Graceland, in Graceland
I'm going to Graceland
For reasons, I cannot explain
There's some part of me wants to see Graceland
And I may be obliged to defend every love, every ending
Or maybe there's no obligations now
Maybe I've a reason to believe we all will be received in Graceland

Whoa, oh, oh
In Graceland, in Graceland, in Graceland
I'm going to Graceland

Camp Krem

Baz is in the middle with the backwards baseball cap. He loves goats. 

Paul Simon, "Rewrite"

I'm workin' on my rewrite, that's right
Gonna change the ending
Throw away the title
And toss it in the trash
Every minute after midnight
All the time I'm spending
Is just for workin' on my rewrite, that's right
Gonna turn it into cash

I been workin' at the car wash
I consider it my day job
'Cause it's really not a pay job
But that's where I am
Everybody says "The old guy
Workin' at the car wash?"
Hasn't got a brain cell left
Since Vietnam

But I say
Help me, help me
Help me, help me
Ohhh
Thank you
I'd no idea
That you were there

When I said help me, help me
Help me, help me
Ohhh
Thank you
For listening to my prayer

I'm workin' on my rewrite, that's right
Gonna change the ending
Gonna throw away my title
And toss it in the trash
Every minute after midnight
All the time I'm spending
Is just for workin' on my rewrite, that's right
Gonna turn it into cash

I'll eliminate the pages
Where the father has a breakdown
And he has to leave the family
But he really meant no harm
Gonna substitute a car chase
And a race across the rooftops
Where the father saves the children
And he holds them in his arms

I said
Help me, help me
Help me, help me
Ohh
Thank you
I'd no idea
That you were there

When I said
Help me, help me
Help me, help me
Ohhh
Thank you
For listening to my prayer

Workin' on my rewrite