Been a while

I feel like I've been pretty quiet around here. That's because I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, which can spin me downward during the fall and winter months. Fall is particularly difficult as it feels like a death -- the leaves dropping, the days contracting, the sky varying shades of gray. By the time winter hits, I can handle it a little better, and when signs of life begin showing up in late January and early February, I handle it better still.

So right now's the tough time. I've decided to try medication again to see if it can help me handle things. I've held off on writing about this, which is unusual for me and in the end I decided it wasn't a good decision. I'm better when I'm revealing, not hiding.

I'm also working to revise The Project, which is a challenge. However, that's a writing challenge, not an emotional one. Sure, it's my baby, but if I can make my baby better, I'm all for it.

Oliver, cross my fingers and knock on wood, seems well right now. Adam and I are doing great. Most of the troubles are in my own head. That's where I've got to work on them.

Candles and candle holder from Kennebunkport, wine bottle from Budapest

Reframing

Last week I had a conversation with someone who had specific ideas for revising The Project. I'm taking those ideas seriously because I agree with them, and also because he has a handle on what readers want. He also is in the position of helping me put this work out into the world.

I haven't edited or written a word in the past week. I've just thought about what he said. It's large and daunting. These are holistic edits, not line edits, and those are always so much harder to implement.

I've been distracted and stressed out too, though I've found more clarity over this last week. We've had to pay particular attention to Oliver's health, and that watchfulness is tiring. I'm happy with the good results I've seen, though, and I plan to continue my vigilance.

Today is Shabbat, and I do plan to celebrate. On Wednesday, Rabbi Adar said: "Imagine your life without -- one thing. You decide what it is." (I'm paraphrasing, but the quote is accurate enough.) For me, that thing would be multiple things -- hostility, negativity, neurosis. I can't entirely eliminate them in a night, but I can at least try to set them aside.

I just left a message for the very friendly people at Enterprise Rent-A-Car in Peterborough. I frequented their office quite a bit during my month at MacDowell, renting cars to go to Maine, Vermont, and ultimately back to Boston. I'm trying to get a duplicate receipt for my last rental, so I had to give them a call. We're playing phone tag.

It's so cool to be able to picture that office in that strip mall on Jaffrey Road. It's a trip when something three thousand miles away feels like it's next door.

Introduction to the Jewish Experience

Last night I began this class, which is offered by Lehrhaus Judaica and takes place at Congregation Beth El in Berkeley.

I got an email about it last month. I was sitting on my porch at MacDowell, watching the trees. I did that a lot. Sometimes the trees were friendly, their changing colors showcased in the sun. Other days they snarled. I think they were quiet when I found out about this class.

After a moment of hesitation, I registered. It wasn't some huge epiphany. I didn't stand up and scream into the woods that it was time to learn about my roots. But I am interested, and last night's class was terrific.

Tomorrow, Adam and I will celebrate Shabbat.

I quit my anxiety group

And I bet you didn't even know I was in an anxiety group, did you?

I've been attending since April and been fairly skeptical much of the time. While theoretically I could see that the group-therapy process can be helpful, in reality it just didn't resonate much with me.

As I understand it, the concept behind group therapy is that a group is a microcosm of the world. Don't like your boss? You'll probably find someone like her in the therapy room.

The conclusion I came to, however, is this: Cut out the middleman and deal directly with the person who's bugging you. (Or whatever.) I walked out feeling no regrets.

Oliver and the person he owns