North Berkeley Library

Don't ever want to be like this

Man and woman walk into a cafe. Man holds door. Woman walks through. No response. Nothing.

Rumination

When I was a kid, I read a Rona Jaffe book, Class Reunion. In it one of the main characters talks her boyfriend out of traveling the world for a year. What she doesn't realize then -- but learns later in spades -- is that you can only sit on someone for so long.

Discussed this with Adam today

I find this article about Esther Perel interesting.

Today's writing

At first I didn’t buy it, the way I had trouble swallowing any type of good news. There was no way he could mean it, no way he was actually going to go through with the adoption on the strength of a single walk. Worst of all, I feared that the adoption wouldn’t work out and that Romeo would be right back where he started – and back on the euthanasia list.

I also wondered why Romeo hadn’t been made Rescue-Only based on behavior. Was there a miscalculation that I’d need to worry about? Was he really suitable for adoption? I couldn’t exactly get too deep into a relationship with Paul if the dog I’d gotten him to take on wound up ripping his throat out.

We stood on that corner, blinking in the sunlight. It had been foggy when we left and neither of us thought to bring sunglasses. He seemed as surprised as me, and then he knelt down and petted Romeo. “I know it seems like kind of a quick decision,” he said, “but you know, I’m that kind of dude.”

Well, that did explain something. He’d been quick to take to me, quick to take to the dog he was now nuzzling and who was gently nuzzling back. Had I called it? Were these two an item?

Life was spinning, happening so fast, changes seeming to tumble from the sky like frogs in biblical times. The good, the bad, the what in the hell all drifted around my shoulders like confetti, falling in my eyes, blinding me. 

Today's writing

Part of me hoped that Paul would open his arms and pull me to him. Instead he just kind of sat there with a blank, tired look in his eyes. It took him a minute to say anything. In that time we just watched each other in that half-caring, half-suspicious way of people who are sizing each other up double time.

“Well,” he finally said, “that’s a lot.”

Dismissive. Over it. Over me, already. How did that happen so fast? And yet this is what the other part of me had wanted: someone who saw me as clearly as he apparently did to step away, fast and furious, leaving no tracks, creating no trail.

Leave, then. Leave, and be done with it. Done with me.

“I mean,” he said, “You’ve got a lot going on, Meredith. I guess what I’m wondering if there’s any room for me.”

Well, there you had it. He didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay. He wanted to stand by me. Just what I’d always wanted, right?

“I’m not sure,” I said, and then fought the urge to slap myself.

There weren’t really words for the look that crossed his face. You could say it was one part fury mixed with two parts resignation. In any event, it was a cocktail too strong for me to drink.

31k into the revise

This needs to be the last version. I'm more than halfway through now. Lordy, hold my hand.