Last night, Adam and I got to talking about why I keep this blog.

It often happens that in conversation with him, I say things I never knew I knew, thought, or felt. It's one of the charms of being with him.

There are several reasons I keep this blog:

- It's an exercise in off-the-cuff expression, often of strong emotion or reaction. I've written about many personal topics here. That's no accident. It's not only mentally healthy for me, but it's a creative exercise in storytelling, which will help me onstage.
- It's a way to keep in touch with friends, many of whom I don't speak with on a regular basis. These are people who have sought me out and expressed interest in my everyday goings-on, but who have lives and can't email or call every day. That includes my best friend from high school, who has three kids and a husband and a teaching career, but who makes time to get in touch, check up on what's going on in my life, and ask me about it.
- It's an opportunity to broadcast events -- readings and such -- to a greater audience without sending out mass emails.

A year ago I had another blog. I shut it down and made it private after family members expressed objections about its content to Adam. I never invited them to read it. They found it, read it, got angry about it, and let him know.

I quickly realized I missed this open forum and began another one.

Shortly after I graduated from St. Mary's, I got my feathers in a flurry after reading a post on a former professor's blog. She didn't name me by name, but she definitely fired off a few unflattering salvos.

I now realize she had every right to do so. She didn't invite me to read her blog. I sought her out and did so willingly. I shouldn't at all have been surprised or pissed off at what she wrote. Ever read someone's diary and feel stung at what you find? It's a little like that.

I've never asked anyone to read this. This is for me first and for everyone else a distant second. Anyone who's found this blog has done exactly as I did with my former professor -- went out on the internet, looked me up, and continued to read it.

An addendum here. I really want to be part of Adam's family. I want to be treated as a family member. It's what I always wanted. I am so thrilled that I'm going to be his wife, I think he's the most amazing person in the world, and I know that we are both so lucky to have found each other.

I really have tried to be a member of the family -- sending emails and photos, showing interest, trying to be a good person. My effort has waned as of late because I grew to believe my interest was not reciprocated. Maybe it is, and maybe I just don't see it. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places. I haven't given up. But I sure am frustrated.