Posted this on Facebook just now

Context: Adam and Baz went down to his family's home in Los Angeles to escape the horrible air quality caused by the Wine Country fires. I remained behind. This is why.

I hope that by writing this, I can remove the rock that has sat on my chest for days.

I would have so loved to feel comfortable going down to Los Angeles with Adam and Baz. I didn't, and I don't. Of course I have a role in this. I went into my relationship with Adam hoping that his family would fill the role that mine did not, which was simply unfair.

At the same time, over the years I have fielded more rejections than I care to remember, except for the fact that I've spent the last few days remembering them all.

Having Baz down there hurts worst of all given that not one of them contacted me during my pregnancy. Again, I had a role in this. I'd talked about the dissonance publicly, blocked them from seeing much of what I'd posted on Facebook. If they weren't going to be in my life under my terms, I reasoned, they would not be there at all.

But to have my baby there when once he was in my body, once he was only mine -- yeah. That hurts.

I'm leaving this open for Adam to read because I don't want to hide anything. I don't want to hide what I write. I don't want to camouflage my feelings. You guys know me. I suck at that.

Thanks for listening.