Journaling (what did you expect?)

October 14, 2013

Feeling much better – though on very little sleep due to some very strong coffee in Bend yesterday. Kind of struggling to wake up.

“All travel is inner travel.” - Dipenza

Playa visuals

More Playa bloggin'

October 12, 2013

Mornings are the best here! I wake up so happy – unlike normal, when I so often awake with anxiety and dread.

October 13, 2013

Rough couple days. Crying like I haven’t cried in months. Nightmares with soundtracks, for God’s sake. Fucking Evanescence, “My Immortal”. I dreamt Adam was leaving me. Saying the word divorce in my dream was like someone shooting me in the gut. That line there’s just so much that time cannot erase … it kills me. The nightmares followed me up here. Those frigging bastards.

WRITTEN IN LARGE LETTERS IN THE JOURNAL, AS WELL AS A FACEBOOK STATUS:

“We leave home behind to collect a newer and fuller definition of home.” – Joseph Dispenza, “The Way of the Traveler”

Even more journaling

October 9, 2013

The anxiety is back. Went down to the Pioneer Saloon for breakfast and am having trouble settling in back by myself. I have a weird lump in my throat. I should go outside, but I feel glued to the chair. Slept at 10:30 p.m., woke at 1 a.m., couldn sleep again until nearly 5 a.m. Woke at 6:30 a.m. for sunrise, fell back asleep until 8:30 a.m. Just went outside for a minute. “Blue Bayou” on iTunes. Being alone has never been terribly easy for me and yet it’s situational. I’m an introvert, but too much alone time makes me a bit crazy.

Met Rachel’s dog Pepper yesterday. What a sweetie. I miss my pups. I hope they’re behaving themselves. It’s me and the writing now. I’m up against it. But it’s not a battle. It’s – I don’t know what it is. But it’s not a battle.

October 11, 2013

Yesterday was busy! Went to Bend and then had a residents’ dinner. Bend was okay. It felt very manufactured, a lot like Ashland. I guess I’m used to Berkeley. Tonight we’re going to the Paisley Saloon. My computer blue-screened, but (knock wood) seems okay. Coffee, 25 degrees out. Damn. I just went out and my bare feet are stinging. Dumbass. Probably nine hours until I see another human being. Somehow I’m okay with that. I’m happy that I’m okay with the solitude.

More journaling

October 9, 2013

The anxiety is back. Went down to the Pioneer Saloon for breakfast and am having trouble settling in back by myself. I have a weird lump in my throat. I should go outside, but I feel glued to the chair. Slept at 10:30 p.m., woke at 1 a.m., couldn sleep again until nearly 5 a.m. Woke at 6:30 a.m. for sunrise, fell back asleep until 8:30 a.m. Just went outside for a minute. “Blue Bayou” on iTunes. Being alone has never been terribly easy for me and yet it’s situational. I’m an introvert, but too much alone time makes me a bit crazy.

Met Rachel’s dog Pepper yesterday. What a sweetie. I miss my pups. I hope they’re behaving themselves. It’s me and the writing now. I’m up against it. But it’s not a battle. It’s – I don’t know what it is. But it’s not a battle.

Playa

I'm writing this from Playa, an artist residency in Summer Lake, Oregon. I'm here for two weeks and I'm thrilled! Below is some writing I've done in the residents' notebook for my cabin. This place is great!

October 7, 2013

Hello, Playa … breaking in my cabin with Marvin Gaye, a fire and Trader Joe’s Crisp Rice Cereal. I haven’t really unpacked yet, but I felt compelled to write. I fell in love with this place the moment I got here, missing the driveway and backing up in the middle of Highway 31. Rachel greeted me with a huge smile. Turns out she lived in Berkeley for 14 years. No wonder I like her!

I admit it helps to have cell reception and interent on my phone. That reassured me. I had a feeling this was going to be a learning experience for me and I think I will be proven right. I was worried about coming here, the fear of isolation. Right now I don’t feel that fear. I feel this is a gift, a gift of two weeks.

Worries. They are (mostly) of the practical kind, particularly my wayward dogs. Will they drive the sitter nuts? Why do I think only I can take proper care of them? More later – it’s naptime …

Later

Listening to Carly Simon, trying to balance the pain with the beauty in the world. If you have an answer, please let me know.

October 8, 2013

Good morning, Playa! Writing this outside in 21-degree weather (according to my phone – it feels more like 22), bathed in the light of sunrise. It’s 7:20 a.m. and I’ve been up for almost an hour. Coffee, birdsong and the sound of cars on Highway 31. Not nearly as remote-feeling as I’d feared.

Okay, back inside. It was cold. This is more journaling than I’ve done in a while. It’s nice to know people will be reading my words. I was outside earlier thinking people idealize nature. Who says the ducks aren’t on Waterfowl Wellbutrin? Maybe I’m just hopeful that we aren’t the only crazy species. There was a duck that flew into the lake and I just watched the concentric circles as it splashed.

Listening to my music on the computer … “Jump” by Van Halen. I heard this on the way up (thank you, Adam, for the FM transmitter!) and it made me so happy. The little things are big t hings.

Everyone here has pets! So awesome. I really like the people here. We had dinner last night and conversation was so easy. If you’re reading this, Playa staff … THANK YOU!