Another one from graduation

Graduation

Lucky

I'm sitting here editing a manuscript. I'm getting paid for my insight on writing. Does it get better?

MacDuff's Pub, Lake Tahoe, 2011

On self-love

I'm on Antonia Hall's podcast!

From D -- Maher hits it!

This.

Three years ago, The Pub on a sunny afternoon

Lenny Kravitz, "Again"

I been searching for you
I heard a cry within my soul
I never had a yearning quite like this before
Now that you are walking right through my door

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

A sacred gift of heaven
For better worse, wherever
And I would never let somebody break you down
Until you cried, never

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

At every time I've always known
That you where there, upon your throne
A lonely queen without her king
I longed for you, my love forever

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

I wonder if I'll ever see you again
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

Baghdad by the Bay

Grotto resignation letter

I sent this to Deborah and to Michael, vowing I would not share it publicly. Yet here I am. Perhaps I will delete this, but I should not. It deserves airspace. It needs to be said.

Dear Grotts:

It is with much sorrow and a not-inconsiderable amount of relief that I tender my official resignation. I have been honored to work amongst your ranks for a year and a half and planned to stay far longer. 

That said, I have no regrets. I do not regret the time I spent in this renowned organization and I do not regret leaving. It has grown clear that there is a gulf between myself and prevailing thought at The Grotto that either cannot or will not allow itself to be bridged. I first became aware of this during the American Dirt controversy, when the simple act of reading a particular book came under fire. It grew apparent to me that stepping outside prescribed thought patterns is a dangerous thing in these hallowed halls, that bullying and groupthink can flourish even in an organization purportedly dedicated to fostering a wide range of creative expression. 

This hit home even more strongly with the advent of the pandemic and the protests. When calls for civil discourse and expressions of dissenting belief are met with cries of racism, it becomes clear that free speech is the wholesale loser. You might think that a group of talented storytellers would be interested in nuancing the narrative. 

I wish you all well.

Best,

Allison 

This is not allyship

As seen on Facebook. I really connect with this. As I write my official Grotto resignation letter, which I will almost certainly not send to my colleagues but rather simply reference as needed, this crops up and it says so much. Serendipity.

Watching the protest

A little bit of normalcy

Things are starting to reopen. I worry that it may be too soon. But I gotta say: It's nice to be able to go to a cafe to work again. I've missed that way more than I ever let myself believe. First-world problems? Of course, but it's still the truth. 

Cap and gown

The path to enlightenment

When you practice intimately and return to where you are, it will become clear that nothing has an unchanging self. - Max Erdstein

This morning

"Study changes a man, puts pride into him. You need it to get to the bottom of life. Without it you just skim the surface. You think you're in the know, but trifles throw you off. You dream too much. You content yourself with words instead of going deeper. That's not what you wanted. Intentions, appearances, no more A man of character can't content himself with that. medicine, even if I wasn't very gifted, had brought me a good deal closer to people, to animals, everything Now all I had to do was plunge straight into the heart of things. Death is chasing you, you've got to hurry, and while you're looking you've got to eat, and keep away from wars. That's a lot of things to do. It's no picnic."

-  Louis Ferdinand-Celine

Deborah sent me this

More than worth a read. A contrarian stance against the BLM tyranny over the topics of anti-racism and inclusivity. 

Upcoming at The Writing Salon

I'm going to teach Writing from the Edge, an exploration of deep material and its uses, from Aug. 19 to Sept. 10. Would love to see you there!

I gotta say

If there wasn't so much finger-pointing, yelling, and prescriptive bullshit that gets in one's face, I might be more willing to listen and reflect. Maybe I should anyway for my own mental health. 

Missing

I miss true, unfettered joy. The closest I come to this is with my family -- especially with our son, who is amazing. Yet there is always that specter hanging over us: the pandemic, the civil unrest. You can't escape, even -- especially -- when you might want nothing more. 

There is truth here

Give me a break

This is just total bullshit. As I wrote to a few friends just now:

Okay, I LOVE Gone With the Wind. I also never saw it as a historical testament. It is -- first, foremost -- a treatise on storytelling, on character-building. It does not pretend to be fair or accurate. It is Scarlett's story and it is an exploration of many things, up to and including the folly of fallow love that never really existed in the first place. (Gee, like I've never experienced that, huh?) I don't know what is happening or how far out of whack the pendulum is going to continue to swing or why I'm willing to die on the hill that is GWTW, but all this makes me want to throw myself out the window. God damn it, I live on the ground floor.

I feel like I'm watching a horror movie where the target is artistic freedom. Don't go in there!

Coddling of the American Mind

I highly recommend this book by Greg Lukianoff and Jon Haidt, particularly in these times. It's a fresh look at a society that has gone extreme in certain ways. I'm getting through it slowly, but I'm getting through it nonetheless. An excerpt:

Avoiding triggers is a symptom of PTSD, not a treatment for it. According to Richard McNally, the director of clinical training in Harvard's Department of Psychology: Trigger warnings are counter-therapeutic because they encourage avoidance of reminders of trauma, and avoidance maintains PTSD. Severe emotional reactions triggered by course material are a signal that students need to prioritize their mental health and obtain evidence-based, cognitive-behavioral therapies that will help them overcome PTSD. These therapies involve gradual, systematic exposure to traumatic memories until their capacity to trigger distress diminishes.

Social media is toxic

Maybe it just feels that way more these days. In any event, I'm trying my best to stay off of Facebook and Twitter. The longer the better. 

These times

People talk about self-examination. People point fingers. People tell you you're wrong, wrong, wrong. Activists don't listen to anyone but themselves and maybe a few select others. Everyone thinks they're right, right, right. Including, of course, you.

As said on Facebook

Looking around my apartment and wondering if I'll feel any sentimentality when we leave -- we haven't found a place, but I am actively looking. Right now I'm fairly confident that I can find something equal to or hopefully less than what we're paying right now, which totals just south of $3k including utilities per month.

When we moved out of our cottage, I sobbed. Y'all had to witness that in my soggy posts over and over. That was the place where we brought Baz home from the hospital, where we brought our puppies down the path when they were all of eight weeks old. It was where Oliver, my kitty, had lived. It was where we'd had parties, meetings, all kinds of gatherings with friends and acquaintances, fights, dinners, debates, quiet nights, loud afternoons, you name it. It was where we more strongly became US.

This apartment is nice. It's roomy. It has that beautiful fireplace that I adore. And a dishwasher. Wow! But if you can't trust your neighbors not to slash your tires, it's a tad inconvenient.

I think I'll walk out of here whistling.

Multiplicity Magazine

New publication here!

Changes

I am no longer a member of the San Francisco Writers Grotto. I tendered my resignation yesterday afternoon. I wish everyone there well, but I no longer belong at this organization and perhaps never did.

5 am selfie, Vallejo waterfront

Just because you don't talk about it ...

Doesn't mean it doesn't still exist. 

Maizie