My experience with medication

I've talked on and off here about taking Lexapro -- my first attempt at using any sort of SSRI -- and found myself deleting a lot of the more personal posts.

But I keep going back to Carrie Fisher, who has been brave enough to tell the world about her experience with medication. If Carrie can do it, so can I.

Here's an email I just wrote to my doctor. I think it pretty succinctly sums things up.

Thanks for the opportunity to provide input about my experience with Lexapro. This experience, of course, is reflective solely of myself and of my brain chemistry.

Ironically, I believe the medication worked. The problem was this: It worked too much, too quickly, and with too much intensity. By stripping away my usual defense mechanisms of anger and anxiety, I was left with what lay underneath -- helpful in theory, but in reality far more than I was equipped to handle at once.

The result: The anger and anxiety lessened, but the depression quickly became evident. I suffered several episodes of suicidal ideation that were so strong my husband had to talk me through them. The most recent began last Tuesday night and stretched into the next day. I alternated between sobbing and simply not giving a damn about the world around me. On a logical level I understood what was happening and that much of my feelings were a medication-induced fallacy, but logic doesn't do much when you're ready to plunge off a bridge. Literally.

As I indicated on the phone, I want to get the Lexapro out of my system and determine my baseline before considering a return to medication. I'll be in touch at that time.

Best,

Allison Landa